


Maybe This Time (I Hope I Get the Chance to Say Goodbye)

by deadto27



Series: Maybe [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Canonical Character Death, Captain America Steve Rogers/Modern Bucky Barnes, Dealing With Loss, Death, Depression, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Like hopefully really really sad, Loss, M/M, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Shrunkyclunks, The opposite of the first in this series, Tragedy, Trauma, this is not fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-18 12:28:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 34,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21561133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadto27/pseuds/deadto27
Summary: Steve and Bucky Barnes are happily married. They've made it through some hard times and come out stronger and happier, together. Then Steve gets called on to come out of retirement for the most important mission of his life and everything changes. Everything.-----“Have yourself a merry little Christmas…” Steve starts singing along softly, and Bucky chuckles, before leaning his head onto Steve’s shoulder, always happy when he’s in Steve’s arms.“From now on, our troubles will be miles away…” Bucky joins in.Dancing round their living room, just as in love as ever, their troubles seem light-years away, if not non-existent.Sadly, they’re closer than they think.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Maybe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1242695
Comments: 450
Kudos: 306





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So...I've been working on this a while. It's a big departure from my usual fluff. This is pretty heavy (or at least I think it is, I don't know how it'll be received, but it's been heavy writing it). But please **read the tags** first before you decide to read this because basically this whole fic is a trigger warning for if you're dealing with loss. There's also a small possibility the rating will go up.
> 
> You'll probably need to read the others in the series for this to make complete sense.
> 
> Title comes from a Foo Fighters song.
> 
> Written for AO3. Do not repost elsewhere.

_Patience my dear_   
_We could spend a lifetime waiting here_   
_Maybe this time_   
_I hope I get the chance to say goodbye_

* * *

“A little higher,” Bucky tells Steve, a smile in his voice.

“Like that?”

“Perfect,” Bucky declares and Steve lets out a sigh of relief as Bucky releases the glass angel, having placed it perfectly on top of the tree, and Steve lowers him down gently to his feet.

“You just like me manhandling you,” Steve teases, kissing Bucky’s neck softly from behind.

Bucky leans into it as Steve’s arms wrap round his waist and they stare at the tree together. It’s only the first of December, but Christmas has always been special for them, and this is their third Christmas together and their first in their new home. They’ve got soft Christmas music playing in the background, helping put them in the festive spirit early, and Steve even made some mulled wine for them to have while decorating.

The tree is huge and beautiful, put up right in front of their large living room window, after they moved the couch. Not that anyone will really see it from outside in passing except Wanda and Clint. They don’t have neighbours. But still, Bucky likes it there. It looks perfect.

“I think it’s gonna look so great in here,” Bucky beams. “We can set the table up right here,” he gestures, “and have a little bar area over there,” he adds, pointing to where Steve’s favourite comfy chair currently is. The good thing about having a former superhero as your husband is he can move furniture around no problem. Technically so can Bucky with his metal arm, but he doesn’t feel the need to remind Steve of that.

Steve chuckles a little. “We’re still weeks away,” he reminds him, leaning in to kiss his cheek, beard tickling him a little, releasing Bucky from his arms.

“I know. I’m just excited,” Bucky replies, turning around. It’s funny how Christmas didn’t used to mean much to him, to the point that he sort of avoided it, but now he’s probably even more excited than Steve is for it. Everyone is coming to visit for Christmas, just like last year except this time they’ll spend Christmas Day together and Bucky couldn’t be more excited. Though the Accords are null and void at this point, meaning sometimes they go to New York to visit Becca and the others, Bucky still misses them, even though he loves his life here.

“Maybe we should have Sam over sometime soon, before Christmas,” Steve suggests, tone careful as he looks hesitantly at Bucky.

Bucky’s good mood starts to disappear. “Why?” he asks grumpily with a huff, turning and starting to pack away the boxes for the ornaments. He knows Steve just wants him to be happy, but he doesn’t want to discuss this right now. Not when they’ve been having such a nice day so far.

He hears Steve let out a sad sigh behind him. “You have to talk to him sometime. Clear the air?”

“Like he talked to me?” Bucky scoffs.

“Baby, I know you’re upset—”

“Upset?” Bucky smarts, turning to look at Steve again. “I’m not upset. If he wants to go off and get himself killed, who I am to say anything about it. It’s not like I’m his best friend since forever, who has personal experience of knowing Avengers and knowing how dangerous it is, even for the ones who have superpowers, which Sam _does not_ , but noooo,” Bucky draws out the word, “why would he bother discussing becoming an Avenger with me first?” Bucky glowers. “I’m not upset.”

Steve looks sympathetically at him, like he wants to help but doesn’t know what to say, and Bucky knows Steve probably thinks he’s being a little over the top, but Bucky can’t help it. He appreciates Steve treading carefully at least. Bucky knows it’s hard for him. He blames himself because Sam got involved that first time when they went to rescue Scott. But the fact is, it’s not Steve’s fault. Sam has always wanted to help people. Bucky understands why he joined the Avengers. What he doesn’t understand is why the first time he knew about it, he was seeing Sam flying around on TV.

Sam had called and apologised, saying he didn’t want to worry Bucky and that’s why he hadn’t told him, but Bucky just can’t get past it. Sam is his best friend and to keep something like that from him, apparently for over a month, and to not even discuss it first…Bucky doesn’t know how to be okay with that. They haven’t spoken in two weeks.

“I just think maybe it’ll be better for you guys to try and work it out before Christmas?” Steve attempts gently.

“If he even makes it,” Bucky scowls, going back to packing up the boxes, Steve moving closer and starting to help. “The Avengers might have a mission, who knows,” he grumbles.

Steve looks a little downcast and Bucky lets out a sigh, putting the box in his hands down, before dropping back from his crouch to sit on the floor. He hates talking about the Avengers usually. He knows Steve loves him and loves their life, but he also knows sometimes Steve feels guilty for not being out there, so Bucky tries to avoid the topic wherever possible.

Bucky lets out a sigh. “I’m just…I’m so fuckin’ scared for him, Stevie,” he admits. That’s what it boils down to. Sure, he’s mad Sam didn’t talk to him, but really he’s mostly just terrified. This is exactly what he went through with Steve and he never wanted to do it again. He still worries terribly whenever Clint goes off on an occasional mission with Nat. Clint says he’s like a mother hen, but Bucky can’t help it. He thanks god that Wanda hasn’t shown the urge to get back out there.

Steve drops to his knees and wraps Bucky up in a hug that Bucky sags gratefully into. “I know you are,” he murmurs into Bucky’s neck. He smells like the spices from the mulled wine. “Maybe I could talk with him at Christmas?” Steve offers as he pulls back to look at Bucky.

Bucky cracks a little sad smile at that but shakes his head. “No, I should talk to him.” It’s his responsibility to sort this out. “Just…not yet,” he decides. He’s not ready yet. “I appreciate the offer though,” he promises. He loves how Steve always has his back.

“I just hate seeing you so down about this,” Steve admits, stroking his fingers over Bucky’s cheek.

Bucky leans in to press his lips against Steve’s in a soft kiss, hoping to reassure him. “I’ll be fine. Promise.” He presses another light kiss against Steve’s lips. Even after two years, it has never gotten old. Steve’s kisses are like air to him now, something he needs daily. Happily, Steve still gives him all the kisses he could possibly need and then some.

Steve smiles when Bucky pulls away and then he gets up and holds his hand out to pull Bucky up to his feet, before pulling him against his solid, warm chest. He places Bucky’s hand at his waist. “Dance with me?” he requests.

Bucky feels his Christmas spirit come flooding back and he smiles back at his gorgeous husband. Even a year later, it still makes him so happy to call him that, and Bucky feels a warm little glow. He snuggles in closer and they sway in time with the music, Bucky feeling Steve’s heartbeat under his palm. Any time they dance, he can’t help but remember their first Valentine’s Day. Steve still has the album Bucky bought him and he always pulls it out on special occasions so they can dance to it—yet another thing Bucky will never tire of. He loves that they’ve made their own traditions.

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas…” Steve starts singing along softly, and Bucky chuckles, before leaning his head onto Steve’s shoulder, always happy when he’s in Steve’s arms.

“From now on, our troubles will be miles away…” Bucky joins in, and Steve squeezes him tighter, and even with the Sam situation, Bucky’s still happy.

The fact is, their life is pretty much perfect. They’re happy most of the time. Sometimes they have little squabbles just like any couple, and sometimes they worry about their friends, but mostly they’re happy, living their quiet life, running their little farm together with Clint and Wanda. And dancing round their living room, just as in love as ever, their troubles seem light-years away, if not non-existent.

Sadly, they’re closer than they think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...chapter lengths are variable in this, just like the first part of this series. I have no schedule because I'm me. This is looking to be a 20k-ish fic and is the final part in the Maybe series.
> 
> I really hope you liked the first chapter and I'd love to hear from you 💜


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For info, I added an additional tag in case all the sad was putting people off. But here's some sad.

Bucky’s busy wrapping presents, tape on his fingers, when the phone rings.

He frowns to himself, not wanting to stop what he’s doing. “Stevie, can you get that?” he yells out, not completely sure which room Steve’s in.

Now he thinks about it, he’s not sure whose phone it is ringing. It doesn’t sound like either of their normal ringtones. Maybe Steve has a special one setup for someone? That doesn’t sound like him though. As much as Steve has been amazing at adapting to modern technology, he doesn’t go out of his way to explore it.

The phone keeps ringing and Bucky doesn’t hear Steve yell back as he presses the tape down to seal the present he’s working on. “Stevie?” he calls out curiously.

The phone stops ringing, so Bucky figures either it rang out or Steve picked it up, but he’s curious, so once the present is done, he sets it down on the table and heads through the house to look for Steve.

He finds him in the bedroom, talking in a hushed but worried voice, pacing around by the foot of their wooden bed, glancing over as Bucky enters.

Bucky’s never once been able to sneak up on him. Not that he was trying to now. He gives Steve a curious smile, noticing the phone in his hand is a bit of a brick, and most definitely not Steve’s normal phone.

Steve doesn’t smile back. He looks a little caught out actually.

Bucky feels the smile fall from his face, wondering what’s going on.

“I don’t know,” Steve says to the phone, still looking at Bucky. “I…I know tha…” He lets out a little frustrated hiss. “I’ll call you back, okay?” Another sigh. “I will. I promise, just give me a few minutes.” He looks angry, frustrated, worried, almost panicked all at once. Bucky hasn’t seen him look like that in a long time.

“Um, so is this your secret affair phone?” Bucky asks as he hangs up, trying to make light of whatever this is, confused as hell.

Steve does let out a little amused huff, but he’s back to his troubled look straight away. “Buck, I…” He starts and then pauses. “That was Bruce.”

“Bruce?” Bucky frowns before his brain catches up. “As in Banner?” he asks incredulously. “I thought he was missing?” The Avengers hadn’t heard from him or Thor in a long time. No one seemed to know what had happened to them.

“He was,” Steve confirms. “He’s back. He…” Steve pauses and sighs. “I gave Tony this phone number a while ago, in case he ever needed me, and well, I guess Tony gave it to Bruce, and Bruce…he needs me.” Steve’s keeping himself together, but his eyes are full of distress.

“Needs you…” Bucky repeats. “Like _need_ needs you?” he asks, heart quivering a little in his chest, a sick feeling settling over him.

“Yes,” Steve confirms, looking troubled.

Bucky feels like someone’s just poured ice water down his back. “But…you retired,” he tries weakly.

Steve takes a deep breath. He’s got that weight of the world look on his face again, the look Bucky always hated. “I know. I know, Buck, but this…it’s bad,” Steve finally says carefully, like it pains him to say it. “It’s really bad. End of the universe bad.”

Steve’s face is completely serious so Bucky knows it must be true. In the distance he hears another of their phones ringing—Steve’s other one this time, somewhere downstairs. He swallows, trying to stay calm. “The universe?” he asks, a little in shock, raising his eyebrows. “Not just the world?” he attempts to joke, but it falls flat.

“Remember New York, the aliens?” Steve starts.

Bucky looks down at his metal arm. It’s not like he could forget.

Steve shakes his head, seemingly at his own poor choice of words as he follows Bucky’s gaze and gives him an apologetic look. “They were sent by someone. Thanos.”

“Thanos?” Bucky repeats, trying desperately to let his brain process this, but right now he’s feeling kind of numb.

“He’s coming here, or I don’t know, sent his forces here,” Steve continues. “He wants all of the infinity stones and he’s close to getting them.”

Bucky shakes his head. “The what stones?” This is all a little much to take in.

“There are six of them, all incredibly powerful. If he gets them all, Bruce said he’ll be unstoppable.” Steve lowers his eyes and takes another breath. “Bruce said Thanos might have killed Thor.”

Bucky huffs, a little startled. “Thor? He’s a god!” Bucky can feel his voice getting squeaky and panicked. Thor can’t be dead. It’s not possible. He’s so powerful and he’s so nice and was always so kind to Bucky and it just isn’t…There’s no way. Bruce must be wrong.

“I know,” Steve replies, voice laced with understanding and grief, meeting his eyes again. There’s pain there and regret and hurt, but also resolve.

That damn phone is ringing again downstairs.

“You have to go,” Bucky utters, realisation sweeping over him. He feels like he’s going to vomit.

He’s not stupid. He’s always known if something happened, if the Avengers really, truly needed Steve, Steve would have to go. He just never thought it would really happen. Maybe he just prayed it wouldn’t.

Steve reaches out for him then, putting his hands on Bucky’s shoulders, making Bucky look at him. “I made you a promise,” he says, but while Bucky knows he means it, he knows Steve could never stay and live with himself if something happened to his friends. Or the world. Or apparently the universe in this case.

He stares into Steve’s eyes and he just knows. They both know. It doesn’t matter what promises have been made. Steve has to go.

A loud frantic knock on their front door jolts them out of the moment, and a moment later they hear Wanda calling for them. She must have been contacted too.

“I…” Bucky starts, swallowing as he looks into his husband’s eyes, and then he doesn’t know what to say next. What can he say? He doesn’t have the words. He blinks at Steve, biting his own lip to keep it from wobbling, and heads out the room to find Wanda already halfway up the stairs, hearing Steve follow behind him.

She pauses and takes in their faces. “Someone called you?” she states, as though it’s a question when they all know it isn’t.

“Yes,” Steve replies. It sounds like he’s trying to keep his voice level. It’s the voice he used to use when he was in Captain mode, Bucky realises. He hasn’t heard that voice in a very long time.

Wanda looks between Steve and Bucky where they are paused on the landing. “I…are we…?” She trails off at asking the awkward question.

Of course, Bucky realises a little too late. This isn’t just Steve. Wanda and Clint will go too. They’ll want to help. “You’re going,” Bucky confirms, trying to keep his voice from wavering.

Wanda looks at him sadly, her expression saying everything, and then gives a little nod. “Clint is with Nat, they called already. We can go to meet them.”

A sad, desperate part of Bucky wants to hear Steve say no from behind him. But he knows he won’t hear that. He tries hard to keep breathing. This isn’t the time for him to fall apart.

But Steve’s hand comes down on his shoulder, probably in an attempt at comfort, and Bucky can’t help letting out a tiny choked almost sob.

Wanda looks both desperately sad and awkward. “We have to go now,” she says softly to Steve. “There’s no time.”

Steve’s hand leaves his shoulder as Bucky shudders a little. He can still feel it there, like it’s burned into him, magnifying the loss of the touch somehow, making him hollow.

“Go and start the quinjet,” Steve tells Wanda. “I need a…” He trails off as Wanda nods and is already turning, running off back down the stairs and through their open front door.

Bucky’s shaking. He knows he is, but he can’t seem to stop.

“Buck,” Steve tries.

Bucky shakes his head minutely and starts walking down the stairs. Forces himself to. “I should get you some snacks and water, things like that,” he says mindlessly, letting his feet take him towards the kitchen. “You should go find your shield in the closet,” he continues, feeling Steve following after him.

He finds a water bottle and starts filling it up from the tap.

“I…I’ll be right back,” Steve says, and Bucky feels him leave the room.

He goes to one of the cupboards and digs around in the snacks they have, finding one of their reusable shopping bags to shove the stuff into. He puts in Steve’s favourite rice krispy things and some protein bars and a bag of chocolate and peanut butter candy because he knows Wanda loves those too.

He tries to think of what else they might need. He thinks about a first aid kit, but then realises the quinjet has one, so that’s just stupid of him. It’s got Steve’s suits in there still too, so he can change on board. He can’t think of anything else food-wise.

Bucky lifts the bag and takes it to the living room, blinking at their beautiful tree. He can’t think about that right now. He has to focus. He remembers it can be kind of cold on the quinjet, so he grabs Steve’s favourite blanket from the couch and shoves that into the bag as well.

When he turns around, thinking about toiletries, Steve is standing there holding his shield, watching him.

It’s surreal. Bucky hasn’t seen him with his shield for such a long time. He wonders briefly if Steve has missed it.

“I, uh, made you a bag of stuff,” Bucky says, holding the bag out to him, and that’s the moment everything breaks inside him. “I…” He struggles to keep talking and then bursts into tears in an intense rush of emotion.

Steve’s tears seem to come instantly too, as he drops the shield and pulls the bag from Bucky’s hand, dropping it to the floor, wrapping Bucky up in his arms, his face pressed into his neck as Bucky weeps into his chest.

“Oh god, please come back to me,” Bucky chokes out in distress, barely able to take in air. “Please…please…”

Steve takes a shuddering sob of a breath. “I’m gonna do everything I can,” he murmurs.

Bucky shakes his head, pulling away, trying to breathe. “No. You fuckin’ promise me,” he orders, sniffing.

It’s stupid and they both know it. There’s no way Steve can promise that and have it be true. But he does it anyway.

“I promise,” Steve tells him, pulling Bucky back to him. “I’m coming back to you, I promise.” He’s already managed to blink back his tears. He’s just better at this than Bucky.

Bucky nods his head against Steve’s chest, listening to his heart beating, trying to memorise it, as he tries to calm down. He wishes he had the level of control Steve does.

“Will you stay here?” Steve requests. “New York’s not safe. You should call Becca, get her to come here and stay with you. Logan too.”

Bucky nods, not really hearing the words as he pulls back so he can see Steve’s face. “What if…I could come with you?” Bucky suggests in desperation.

Steve looks like his chest might be cracking in two. “Oh, Buck,” he sighs softly. “You know I can’t do this if you’re out there with me. I’d only be focused on if you were okay.”

Bucky nods, tearfully. He knows that. It would be dangerous for Steve. It could get him killed if he isn’t fully focused on his task. He just can’t help it. He can’t believe this is happening.

The phone starts ringing again.

Steve grimaces, pulling it out of his pocket, but he doesn’t answer. His face scrunches up like he’s in pain when he looks at Bucky. “I have to go.” It’s like he can barely get the words out.

Bucky feels like his heart is breaking. He takes a deep breath, feeling like his whole core has been hollowed out. “Be safe,” he says, with more emphasis than anyone has ever put on those words. He reaches for the bag on the floor and shoves it towards Steve as though a bag full of snacks will be the thing to protect him.

“I promise.” Steve loops the bag over his shoulder and picks up the shield again, before reaching for Bucky’s right hand.

He takes it, aware he’s probably squeezing too hard, but he doesn’t care. Bucky forces his feet to move, and together they walk out to the field where Wanda’s powered up the quinjet, ready to go. She’s waiting on the grass just in front.

Bucky knows he’s a mess, but he doesn’t have it in him to care. He lets go of Steve for a moment to pull her into a hug. “Be careful,” he tells her, and he feels her nod against him. “Please take care of him,” he adds in a whisper, that Steve probably hears anyway.

Wanda squeezes him tighter. “I will. You take care of my farm,” she jokes sadly.

Bucky almost laughs. He would if it didn’t feel like he’d forgotten how to.

Wanda gives him a nod and then takes the bag and shield from Steve and heads into the jet, giving them a moment more.

Bucky turns to look at Steve again. He tries to just focus on his face, taking in every detail. He can’t think about what might happen now. He can’t. If he thinks about the possibilities, there’s no way he’ll ever let him go.

“Come back to me,” he says shakily.

Steve nods fiercely as Bucky reaches for his hand and strokes over his wedding ring. Steve does the same to his and Bucky’s heart lurches in his chest.

“I’ll stay in contact as much as I can,” Steve promises. His voice cracks a little. “I love you, Buck.”

Bucky swallows hard. His whole body is on edge, shaking like it wants to explode. He lifts Steve’s hand and kisses over his ring. “Don’t do anything stupid,” he tells him, trying desperately to smile, but he can’t quite manage it. “Tell Sam the same thing,” he adds, because he just knows Sam will be there in the thick of it too.

Steve nods. “We’ll be okay, Buck,” he says, sounding much surer than Bucky is. “We’ll get it done and then I’ll be back home with you.”

Bucky nods, praying desperately that it’s true.

“Steve, I’m sorry…” Wanda cuts in, having returned, Bucky turning to see her there with a pained expression on her face.

They have to go.

Steve nods at her as Bucky turns back to him. He can see how Steve is trying hard to keep himself together. He’s being brave, so Bucky has to be too.

“I love you more than anything,” Bucky tells him, with a final desperate hug, which he doesn’t linger on, because it’s too easy to not let go. As he pulls back, he presses a firm kiss to Steve’s lips, once, twice, three times…and then that’s it. He has to go.

Bucky lets go.

He takes a small step away, pulling his chin up, keeping himself together, sniffing despite himself as Steve stares at him, and then Steve turns, walking into the quinjet, up the ramp.

As the door starts to close, Steve stands there at the edge, looking at him, those blue eyes wide as though taking in everything about Bucky as he stands there. Bucky knows he is. He’s doing the same thing to Steve.

They keep eye contact until the door finally closes and the jet is already up in the air.

And then in moments, they’re gone.

Bucky stands there shivering, as all the strength he managed to pull out of himself disappears in one swift moment and an unearthly sob makes its way out his body.

Steve is gone.


	3. Chapter 3

The first thing Bucky does, once he manages to pull himself together enough to at least move, is turn on the TV. There are reports all over of a freakin’ spaceship in New York. _Why is it always things from outer space?_

Reports are saying that Iron Man and Spider-Man were chasing the thing and went up into space on it. Bucky sits down heavily on the couch, clutching the remote control so tightly that his knuckles turn white. _Peter is just a kid and he’s up there in space? How the hell could Tony have let that happen. How could Tony be up there too? God, what if they are already dead? How would anyone know?_

It doesn’t take much for Bucky to realise this thing really is big. He realises he doesn’t even know where Steve and Wanda went flying off to. He lurches up to find his phone on the table next to the presents he’d been wrapping and texts Steve to ask.

Steve replies moments later.

_We’re heading to Wakanda to regroup with everyone. Are you okay? Did you call Becca?_

Bucky sighs. He hasn’t even processed yet. He can’t call Becca in this state.

_I’m watching the news reports. Tony and Peter_

He can’t bring himself to finish that sentence.

_I know. We’ll figure it out, Buck, I promise. But we have to focus on what’s happening here first._

Bucky grips his phone, wishing he could call Steve, and he supposes he could—they’re still travelling after all, he wouldn’t be distracting him—but he doesn’t think he could handle hearing his voice right now. Maybe Steve is right and he should call Becca and get her to come here. That’ll give him something to focus on.

He texts Steve to tell him that’s what he’s going to do, and Steve replies saying he’ll stay in contact as much as he can.

It must be fate because just as he’s taking a deep breath to calm himself and call, his phone starts ringing in his hand and it’s Becca.

He hurries to answer. “Becs?”

“Bucky? Did you see the TV?” she asks, sounding worried.

“Yeah, are you okay, Becs? You weren’t anywhere near there, right?”

“No, I was at home,” Becca replies. After she graduated from college, she stayed in New York, sharing an apartment in Brooklyn with three other girls from her school, getting a job as a translator for a marketing firm. It’s not her dream job, but she’s happy with it as a starting point.

“Good. That’s good. Steve thinks you should come here, just to be safe,” Bucky tells her. He doesn’t know if there’ll be any more attacks in New York, but he’ll feel better knowing she’s safe, away from there. Though Steve is going to Wakanda, which doesn’t make sense to him if the trouble is in New York, he realises.

“Tell him he’s overreacting,” Becca replies, brushing his concerns off. “I just called because I know those guys are sort of your friends,” she adds softly. “And Steve’s friends. Is he doing okay?”

Bucky swallows hard. “He…he’s gone,” he manages. “Bruce Banner called and they needed him, so he had to go.” He can’t quite bury down the small choked, distressed noise that makes it way out of him at the end.

There’s silence for a moment. “But…but he’s retired,” Becca bursts out.

Bucky chuckles sadly. “Yeah, well…I always knew that he’d have to go back, if they really, truly needed him.”

“And that’s now?”

“That’s now,” Bucky confirms with a sigh, rubbing his hand over his eyes. “It’s really bad, Becs. End of the world…or universe bad,” he corrects himself with an incredulous huff.

Becca is silent for a moment again. “God, Bucky, are you okay? Of course I’ll come, I’ll start packing right now.”

Bucky shakes his head to himself. “I’m not okay,” he admits. “I’m so goddamn scared for him right now. I can’t even think if I’m scared for me or the world or whatever the hell is happening. I just want him back here.”

“I know,” Becca replies, and Bucky can hear her moving around now. “But look, this is nothing new, okay? The Avengers are always getting into stuff like this and they always come out of it okay, right?”

Bucky knows she’s trying to help, but the fact is, she doesn’t know about what Bruce said about Thor. And he can’t tell her that. He doesn’t want to scare her, especially when she’s right there in the thick of it. “Look,” he says, ignoring her question, “I want you to call Logan and get him to come with you, okay?”

Becca starts protesting, but Bucky stays firm. “It’s not just for you. I want him to be safe too, and you’ll be safer travelling together.”

Becca sighs in resignation. “Okay fine. I’ll call him. Look, just…just stay calm, okay?” she tells him. “Call mom and dad, and don’t stay glued to the TV. I’ll call you when we’re on our way.”

Bucky nods to himself. “Okay.”

“He _will_ be okay. He’s Steve,” she adds simply.

Bucky agrees with her down the phone, before she hangs up, but he can’t quite believe it. For whatever reason, this one has him really scared. He can’t shake the feeling that something awful is going to happen. He can’t shake the feeling that what he’s always dreaded, always feared, and had nightmares about, is going to come true.

****

Steve’s whole body seems to shudder as he drags himself back to his feet. His head is killing him. He supposes a direct punch from a giant purple fist will do that to you.

“Where’d he go?” Steve manages as he gets orientated again and looks around. “Thor, where’d he go?”

Thor just looks at him and then Sam is walking towards them saying his name.

But as he does he disintegrates in front of Steve’s eyes, crumbling into dust.

Steve doesn’t understand what he’s just seen. He moves to the spot where Sam had just been. He takes a breath in horror and then he sees Vision lying on the floor, dead, just as Wanda crumbles into dust besides him.

“What is this? What the hell is happening?” Rhodey asks as he appears, Nat running up too.

And it finally sinks in. Thanos snapped his fingers. Half of all life is crumbling away.

“Oh god,” Steve utters, dropping onto the ground in despair. They failed. Thanos used to stones.

And then it truly hits him. Half of all life. At random.

Bucky.

“Oh god,” Steve whispers. “I need to call home, I need a phone right now,” he yells for anyone who might listen.

Natasha wordlessly offers up her phone.

He dials Bucky’s cell, anxious dread pouring through him as he presses the numbers, but then nothing. Just a bleeping on the other end.

He holds the phone out to Nat. “Nat, what…?”

She puts the phone to her ear. “I think the phone networks are down,” she says softly.

Steve swallows hard. “Then I need to get home. Right now.”

He feels hands on him, and a second later realises it’s Clint, squeezing his shoulder. “I’ll get you there, we’ve got the quinjet.”

He doesn’t sound anything like himself. His voice is devoid of anything. Steve nods blindly. “Please.”

Natasha follows, as they start moving. “Go, I’ll stay and try to…” She stops talking. She seems to be at a loss as well.

Steve can’t think of anything but Bucky. He can’t have lost him. He just can’t.

****

“Phone networks are still down,” Clint tells him. He’s been trying to call Bucky as they fly, while Steve sits there, gripping the armrests of his seat. Bucky can’t be gone, he just can’t. He just needs to get home and get him and then they can figure this thing out, figure out a way to reverse what Thanos has done.

“How much longer?” Steve asks, voice rough, as he tries to keep himself together.

“Another three hours.”

Steve still can’t believe what he’s just witnessed. “Wanda,” Steve utters, feeling completely lost. “And Sam.”

Clint looks over at him. “I know. I…” Clint’s voice breaks and he stops talking. He doesn’t seem to know what to say.

Neither does Steve.

****

“About an hour out now,” Clint says later, breaking the silence.

Steve nods. He’s been feverishly turning his wedding ring round and round on his finger, while Bucky’s dog tags rest against his chest, metal warmed by the heat of his own skin. A constant reminder pressed against him.

Just another hour.

He’ll get Bucky and then they’ll go back to Wakanda together and they’ll come up with a plan with the others. God, he never should have left him behind. He knows Bucky has skills they can use, he just gets so scared of having him out there, he’ll do anything to protect him.

He promises himself that he’ll stop being so overprotective from now on.

Just as soon as he gets back home.

****

“Ten minutes.”

Steve nods and stands up from his seat, going to stand at the back of the jet, ready to get out as soon as Clint is low enough. He won’t wait for him to land, he can’t.

He jumps as soon as they’re close enough.

Steve’s foot hits the grass of their familiar field. He’s already yelling Bucky’s name.

He runs towards their house first, calling for him. Please god, let him be here.

He opens the door with so much force that the frame breaks. He yells for Bucky, running into the living room first, then through to the dining room and then into the kitchen, which is where he stops dead.

The water’s running. Steve’s eyes hone in on Bucky’s wedding ring, placed carefully in a little dish to the side of the sink. He only ever takes it off when doing dishes.

Steve steps forward, praying Bucky just left in a hurry, but then he sees it. There are shards from a broken dish in the sink and on the floor. And there, near them…

Ash.

Steve drops to his knees, feeling like his heart has stopped beating. He can’t think, can’t process, can’t understand what he’s seeing. He reaches out and gently touches the residue.

“Steve?” Clint’s voice calls.

Footsteps make their way to the kitchen and then there’s a pause.

“Oh god, Steve.”

Clint’s by his side, grabbing onto him as Steve just about collapses. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, Steve,” he keeps repeating over and over, and Steve can hear that he’s crying.

Steve can’t even speak. He can’t do anything. He just sits there, Clint’s arms round him as he stares blindly at the floor.

Bucky…Bucky is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah...we've reached the sadness already 😭


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes those variable chapter lengths.

They don’t go back to Wakanda. They meet at the Avengers compound, everyone seeming to naturally converge there.

Steve listens as the others discuss things. His chest feels hollow but he’s determined. Determined to reverse this, to bring everyone back. He refuses to think about the idea that this is it. All they need to do is get the stones and reverse it. They can fix this. _He_ can fix this. He knows he can.

So Steve pulls himself together. He stays strong. He switches into Captain mode. He can do this. They can get everyone back. He’ll do whatever it takes and he won’t fall apart. He can’t. Bucky is counting on him.

It’s that thought that takes him through as they sit on a goddamn _spaceship_ , travelling to find Thanos. He also thinks about how much Bucky would love this. Remembers how Thor offered once to take him to Asgard, to keep him safe when Hydra was threatening him. And okay, Bucky hadn’t been thrilled by that idea, but the idea of all the other worlds out there fascinated him. He’d asked Thor lots of questions about his home.

Steve decides he’ll definitely ask Rocket to take them on a little space trip when they get Bucky back. Bucky deserves to see what he’s seeing now. It’s like nothing he’s ever seen before, though right now he can’t find much wonder in it. But they’ll bring everyone back and then Steve is determined to not let Bucky miss out on anything because of him, ever again. He deserves to see the stars up close…

_“It’s so quiet out here,” Bucky says with a pleased little sigh as he shifts his hands behind his head like a pillow._

_They’re lying on a blanket on the field in front of their house at around two in the morning, because there’s supposed to be a meteor shower. It’s something that would be practically impossible to see in New York, with the lights and pollution, but out here the sky is clear and twinkling with stars as far as they can see._

_Steve turns his head to smile at him, looking at the serene look on Bucky’s face, and how it’s illuminated by the candle lantern they brought out with them. Steve still takes a moment to appreciate how beautiful his husband is as the candlelight flickers across his face. He hopes he’ll never take him for granted and forget to appreciate him. He doesn’t think he will. He’s lost too many people to not appreciate the ones he has. And Bucky‘s the best person he’s ever met—sometimes he still feels like he’s living in a dream, that he has all this._

_He smiles softly to himself, completely content, before noticing the blanket on top of them has dropped off one of Bucky’s legs a little. He reaches over to wrap it over him again and then snuggles in closer to him to keep him warm, because while it might be beautiful out here, it definitely gets colder than the city._

_“Thanks,” Bucky smiles and shifts so he’s got his head on Steve’s shoulder. “Mmm, you’re so warm,” he comments happily. Then he abruptly lifts his hand and points at the sky, eyes going wide. “There, Stevie, oh my god, did you see it?”_

_Steve missed it entirely, too busy looking at Bucky. He jerks his eyes to the sky. A moment later, there’s another one._

_“Look, Stevie, look!” Bucky exclaims, pointing again, as this time they both see the shooting star going across the sky._

_“Wow,” Steve breathes out softly._

_“It’s amazing,” Bucky says, sounding enthralled as he stares at the sky._

_Steve looks back over at him. Bucky’s face is a picture of pure excitement and awe, eyes dancing with joy._

_He can see how much Bucky loves watching the shower as it continues._

_Steve soon learns that he prefers watching Bucky watch it. There’s nothing like the bright, happy look on his face. In Steve’s opinion, it lights up the night more than the stars do…_

The decapitated head of Thanos lies at their feet.

Thor’s walking away.

The other Avengers look on in shock.

Steve can’t process it. He can’t process anything that just happened.

****

He’s numb on the journey back. People are talking to him but he doesn’t hear them.

Somehow they end up back at the compound.

Someone leads him to the lounge.

There’s talking, crying, yelling. Steve hears it all and hears nothing at the same time.

At some point he registers that Nat is there, sitting with him. He finally is able to make himself listen. He wishes he hadn’t.

There’s no hope left. That’s what Nat is telling him. And he knows it. He knows.

The stones are gone. Thanos is gone. They have no options. There is no way to reverse the snap, not anymore. They have nothing. They failed. _He_ failed.

He’s never going to see Bucky again.

He’s never going to see Bucky _ever again_.

Steve breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive love to the readers giving this a shot. I know sadness is not what most of ya'll are here for usually, so I appreciate it so much that you're reading this, thank you 💜


	5. Chapter 5

“I don’t know what to do. I’ve never seen him like this.”

Nat’s voice floats its way to his ear where he’s lying on the couch of the compound’s living room.

“He lost his husband, Nat. What do you expect?” Clint’s voice carries in too.

“I know. I understand that—”

“Do you?” Clint cuts her off. “Really and truly?” He doesn’t say it in a harsh way, Steve notices.

“No, I guess not,” she seems to relent. “But we all lost people. We have to…” Her voice cracks. “We can’t give up…we have to try to keep going…”

Her voice breaks off and Steve doesn’t hear anything for a while.

“We just have to be there for him,” Clint says after a while of quietness. “Bucky was… _is_ , he’s everything to Steve. That kind of loss…” He trails off or maybe Steve just stops listening.

God, he wishes there were some Asgardian liquor left. But there’s nothing. He can’t get drunk. Drugs don’t work on him. He has to face reality in the harshest way possible, mind clear, with no way to protect it from the pain.

It’s been twenty-nine days since Steve last saw him. Since he promised he’d come back. Since he promised Bucky everything would be okay.

Steve shuts his eyes, grief overtaking him, his hand covering his mouth. He doesn’t want anyone to hear him. They come running, asking if he’s okay, when they must all know that he’ll never be okay again. Okay doesn’t exist. All that exists is a living hell.

He wants to go home. Wants to be in their house that they built together, the home that they created, Bucky tucked in next to him on the couch, sharing a blanket, or lying in bed with Bucky’s head tucked into his neck. He wants to be arguing over whose turn it is to wash up, or grumbling about having to unblock the plughole again because Bucky has just so much damn hair that it’s always clogging it.

“Steve?” Nat comes into view and Steve realises he’s sitting there with tears rolling down his cheeks.

He hardly ever cries. He never used to, he always did his best to hold it in. These days, he has no control of it. These days, he has no control at all.

Nat doesn’t ask this time if he’s okay. She simply kneels on the couch and pulls him into a hug.

Steve can’t find it in himself to pull away. There’s no comfort either way anyway.

The days go on, the same every day.

Every day is a living nightmare.

****

Day fifty-five is the first time something changes.

It’s the day Clint finally breaks.

Steve’s become a ghost and he knows it. He just can’t find it in himself to care. Nat makes him eat, but other than that, she leaves him alone. He spends most days in his room at the compound. Some days he tortures himself, looking at photos of Bucky. He should have taken more. Why didn’t he take more? There could never be enough photos of him. It just never occurred to him that one day it might be all he had left. There are even fewer videos. He usually can’t bring himself to watch them. The sound of Bucky’s voice, to see his face animated, in motion, smiling at the camera…it’s too much. It feels so real, like Bucky should be right there beside him. But he’s never there.

On Steve’s worst days, he watches their wedding video. Those days make him want to die.

He’s lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling blankly, when Clint comes in that morning. He’s not sure if he slept. Doesn’t really keep track anymore. Sometimes he sleeps for what feels like days. Other times, he can’t even manage an hour.

“Brought you some breakfast,” Clint gestures with the tray in his hands.

“Thanks,” Steve replies without moving. He’ll eat it. It’s easier if he eats. They leave him alone then. At first he didn’t. Couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything. Eventually they got so scared for him, they were talking about some sort of drip, so Steve ate some crackers to keep them happy. Now he tries to eat whatever they bring him.

There’s a moment once Clint’s put the tray down where he just stands there. He hears Clint exhale loudly.

“Steve,” Clint says forlornly. “We’ve gotta stop this. You can’t keep going like this.”

Steve shakes his head as he pulls himself upright, rubbing a hand over his unruly beard that he’s let grow out again. Not that it was a conscious choice. “Please. Don’t.” He doesn’t feel like having a pep talk right now. Nat’s tried that before, many times.

“I mean it, man.” Clint sighs again. “I know what Bucky means to you. I was there and I saw it. You loved each other like nothing I’ve ever seen. I know that’s not something you can just get over. I know you never will. But that’s not what I’m asking you to do.” He shakes his head a little and Steve glances up at him to see Clint’s eyes are glassy. “I’m just asking you to keep going.” He pauses. “This?” he says, glancing around. “This isn’t living.” He looks at Steve sadly. “There are people here who care about you, but maybe you can’t do it for us, and that’s okay. But I need you to do it for Bucky.”

Steve takes a sharp inhale of breath and snaps his eyes up to Clint’s.

“If Bucky could see this…and god, maybe he can, I don’t know,” Clint shrugs, looking upwards, “but do you think he’d be happy to see what you’re doing? Do you think he’d want you wasting your life away?”

Steve feels himself choke up. “We don’t know what he’d want because he’s _gone_.”

Clint huffs a little and gives him an unimpressed look. “Now, I know you know that’s not true. You knew him, Steve. You knew him inside out. And you know he wouldn’t want this. You know he’d be saying _Steven, what are you doing, we’ve talked about you being a dumbass, you gotta get outta that bed_.”

Steve can’t help the tiny quirk of the corner of his lips at that as he wipes his hand across his face. It sounds exactly like what Bucky would say. He can hear Bucky saying those words, clear as day. God, he aches for him.

“So I’m not here asking for me, or for Nat, or for any of the others. I’m here, asking on behalf of Bucky…will you please just come for a walk with me?”

Steve looks up at him, tears threatening to escape from the corners of his eyes. And then he nods.

****

The walks become a usual thing. Either Clint or Nat come to his room and they take a walk outside. When it’s Clint, the walks are usually quiet, Steve taking in the noise of the river more than anything else, as they walk alongside it where it runs near the compound. When it’s Nat, she usually uses the time to fill him in about what she’s been doing. She’s stepped up to try and help in the wake of the snap, with teams out there on the ground and apparently up in space too.

Steve listens but doesn’t really hear her.

He often spends the time thinking back. The barest hint of wind in the trees sends him reeling back to life on their little farm.

He remembers the time when a storm was supposed to be rolling in and they’d been working to try and make sure everything was secure. He and Clint had been boarding up windows and then he’d gone looking for Bucky to find him sitting in the chicken coop with their two chickens that Bucky named after Sam and Scott.

_“What are you doing in there?” Steve asks, bemused at the sight before him._

_Bucky is holding Sam-chicken on his lap, petting him as though the chicken were a cat. “I think they’re scared of the storm,” he says, looking up at Steve with wide eyes._

_“I guess animals are supposed to be able to sense those things,” Steve muses, watching him fondly, seeing the worry in Bucky’s eyes. “I’m sure they’ll be fine though. We’ve made sure the structure’s solid and got extra bedding so they stay warm.”_

_Bucky shakes his head at him forlornly. “I think we should bring them into the house.”_

_Steve stares at him for a moment, while Bucky blinks up at him. “You want to bring the chickens into our house?” he repeats flatly._

_“They’ll be scared out here, Stevie, I can’t just leave them,” Bucky complains to him. “And I won’t be able to sleep with them out here.”_

_God, sometimes Steve wishes he didn’t love Bucky quite so damn much, or wishes that Bucky’s heart wasn’t so big. He wants to argue it, he really does, but Bucky’s giving him that look—that wide-eyed pleading look—the one that Steve can never ever resist, and he knows he’s going to give in._

_“And where exactly do you want to put them?” Steve tries, not wanting to seem like he’s folding like a cheap suit._

_“Guest bedroom?” Bucky muses, a little plea on his face, as he strokes Sam’s feathers._

_“Should I make up the bed for them?” Steve huffs, crossing his arms over his chest, while inwardly dying at how damn adorable his husband is._

_Bucky grins and puts Sam down carefully, before getting to his feet. “Don’t be silly, the bed’s far too tall. They might fall off and hurt themselves,” he beams, clearly knowing he’s gotten his way._

_Steve lets out a big put-upon sigh. “I guess I’ll go and destroy our lovely guest room by covering it in hay and wood shavings then,” he grouses._

_Bucky just keeps that big smile on his gorgeous face. “Thanks, Stevie.”_

“Steve?”

Steve snaps out of his daydream. Nat’s been saying something to him that he must have completely missed. “Sorry,” he tells her.

She doesn’t call him up on it. “I was just saying…I thought maybe it might be good, if you wanted to, to get out there with some of the others?” Nat says, so carefully.

Steve knows it would be a good idea. It would give him something to do, to help with. But he just can’t. He knows she means well, but he can barely function enough to take a short walk with her. He shakes his head, avoiding her eyes. “Sorry, Nat. I…” He doesn’t know what to say.

“That’s okay,” she saves him from having to put it into words. “Maybe another time,” she offers gently, and then they continue their walk back to the compound.

****

On day sixty-eight, there’s a knock on his doorframe.

Steve’s lying in bed, not sleeping. He looks over to find himself stunned.

Winifred Barnes is standing in the doorway. She looks about ten years older than the last time he saw her.

“Hello, Steve,” she says softly.

She looks as fragile as Steve feels.

Nat managed to find out about Bucky’s friends and family for him only a few days after the snap. The losses have been unimaginable, odds seemingly stacked against them. Becca is gone. Logan is gone. George Barnes is gone.

Steve doesn’t know how Winifred Barnes is standing.

They’d spoken on the phone briefly, once the networks started working again, but Winifred had mentioned the idea of a funeral and Steve had felt like his chest was caving in, shoving the phone at Nat as he gasped for breath.

He hasn’t been in contact since.

Now, he hates himself for it. He knows how upset Bucky would be with him for this. He’s been so unbelievably selfish. But he’s been too scared to see her.

“Mrs Barnes,” he says softly, staggering to his feet and stepping forward a few paces before stopping.

“Winnie,” she corrects him softly, looking him over.

Steve hasn’t showered in three days. He pushes his hair back. “I…how are you?” Steve manages to ask, his voice croaking.

Winnie steps further into the room, shaking her head a little. “I’m not sure I know how to even begin to answer that.”

Steve doesn’t know what to say. He can hardly stand looking at her. He wants to fling himself at her feet and beg for forgiveness that he’ll never deserve.

“You don’t look well, Steve,” she continues, wandering over to glance out his window.

Steve swallows hard. “I’m sorry,” he manages to whisper. It’s the only thing he can really say.

She turns to look at him, eyes full of sadness.

“I’m so sorry,” he continues, voice breaking, body shuddering, wetness forming in the corners of his eyes.

Winnie presses her lips together, looking devastated but like she’s trying to hold herself together. Then something breaks and she moves forward and suddenly they’re holding each other, tears spilling down both their faces.

Amazingly, Winnie seems to recover faster while Steve can’t seem to stop clinging to her. She pats his back comfortingly. “It’s not your fault,” she murmurs.

Steve wishes he could get words out to argue that because of course it is. He failed. He failed and they lost _everything_.

“It wasn’t,” Winnie continues softly, as though knowing his thoughts. “I know you did everything you could. I know it.”

Steve finally manages to pull away. He doesn’t deserve her comfort, as much as he’s desperate for it. “I should have stopped it. I could have…I…” He wipes over his face, trying hard to pull himself together. He doesn’t even deserve to cry in front of her. He’s destroyed her life.

Winnie lets out a little huff. “You know, my son used to tell me this about you. About how you always took everything on yourself, about how other people’s losses always became yours too,” she says, voice firm but not unkind.

Steve swallows again. “He…he said that?” He’s never thought of Bucky telling his mother things about him, which is strange because of course he must have. He wonders what else Bucky said.

“He said you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders,” Winnie continues. “He was so happy to see you just be able to relax once you retired.”

Steve has an instant memory of being curled up on the couch, Bucky reading a book, Steve perusing the newspaper, fingers tangled together between them even so. Whenever they were together, they always seemed to be touching in some way. God, he wants that back, that perfect warmth of home, that innocent bliss of just sitting next to the person you love most in the world.

Steve shakes his head, tears welling up again. “I miss him,” he chokes out. “I can’t do this, I can’t be without him.”

Winnie looks at him with compassion and sympathy and the thing that so few other people have. Complete and true understanding. “Me either,” she says with a sad little smile. “But we don’t have any other choice. We keep going because we have to.”

Steve blinks back his tears, forcing himself to look at her. “I don’t know how.” God, he feels so weak, but he just doesn’t know how to cope with this. He used to be able to bottle anything up, to put up a front, even when his mother died, but it’s like that part of him was so irrevocably changed by having Bucky in his life. Bucky was so open, he made Steve open up. He made him let himself out.

Winnie lets out a soft sigh. “I know you do, Steve.” She smiles sadly at him. “We have to honour them. We have to live because that’s what they would want for us.” Her voice wobbles. “I know my Georgie is up there cheering me on, and I know my children are too.” She sniffs for a moment. “I know Bucky is watching over you every second, wishing for you to be okay.”

Just hearing someone else saying Bucky’s name always hits him hard. He thinks his name constantly, but when other people say it out loud, it hurts so much more somehow.

“You lit up his world, Steve,” she continues. “Every parent wants their child to be happy, but I never knew Bucky could be that happy.” She looks a little lost in memories now. “It was wonderful to see, a true blessing,” she continues, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue retrieved from her coat pocket. She takes a moment before speaking, fixing her eyes on Steve’s now. “I know it wasn’t long enough. You should have had your whole lives together. But just know, I think Bucky had a lifetime of happiness in just those two years. I really believe that.”

Steve’s chest feels like it’s caving in. He feels like he had a lifetime of happiness in the first moment he met Bucky. Every second with him was a gift. He takes a breath, trying to take in air, it having suddenly become so impossible to breathe. “I…I don’t know what I did to deserve him.”

Winnie lets out a breath. “You’re a good man, Steve Rogers. You treated him so, so well.” She wipes at her eyes for a moment, before taking another breath.

It’s still Barnes. He’s still Steve Barnes. He can’t bring himself to correct her. He knows she doesn’t mean anything by it. It stings even so.

Winnie reaches into her bag. “I’m living with my sister now. Here’s the details,” she says as she passes him a piece of paper.

Steve takes it, glancing at the phone number and address written there, an hour or so outside of New York.

“I’d like to stay in contact,” she continues, looking terribly sad, “but I understand if it’s too hard…if I bring up memories…”

Steve shakes his head furiously. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t in touch. I just…I didn’t…I couldn’t face you,” he admits, voice breaking a little.

Winnie frowns at him. “Oh, honey,” she sighs, before gathering him into a hug again. “We’ve got to stick together, okay? I know Bucky would want that.” She pulls away gently. “You call me anytime you need to. You can come stay with us if you want to as well. Anytime.”

Steve nods. It’s amazing how he can feel so small and cared for around Winnie. It’s how his own mother used to make him feel, except he _was_ small back then.

“You’re my son,” she reminds him, squeezing his arm.

Steve feels overcome and just manages to nod. He can’t understand how Winnie can be so kind to him except he does. It’s a mother’s love. Unconditional somehow.

She seems to sense he’s overwhelmed. “Take care of yourself. Your friends are worried about you,” she tells him. “I’m going to call you next week and I want you to have at least one thing you did that week to tell me about,” she adds sternly, in a way only a mother can.

Steve lets out a breath. “Okay,” he promises because there’s no way he can deny her anything and somehow her concern and compassion makes him want to do this.

She looks at him with deep sadness. “We have to go on. It’s all we can do. We have to try to make things better.”

Steve wishes so badly that he could do that. But deep down he knows…

Without Bucky, he’ll never be okay again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying in some kind of strange sad way? Thank you for reading and commenting, it's very much appreciated 💜


	6. Chapter 6

The thing is, Steve has done this before. He sometimes thinks to himself that he should be good at this by now. When he woke up after the ice, he had lost almost everyone. Peggy, in her condition…sometimes he thought it would have been less cruel if she’d just been gone too when he woke up.

So he should be good at losing people by now. He’s had more practice than most.

But losing Bucky…it’s a cut so deep, it’s unlike anything he’s ever felt before. They had barely two years together, but Steve had found the home he had always felt he was missing since losing his mother. Bucky was everything he hadn’t known he’d been looking for. He got to just be himself again, instead of always the icon first. Bucky changed him in ways he couldn’t fathom at the time.

And now, without him…Steve just doesn’t know how to go on. It amazes and disgusts him how life seems to tick along, as though unaware of the devastation that happened. Steve’s world stopped when he lost Bucky, and the rest of the world should have stopped with him. But things go on.

Time keeps moving.

And then suddenly, somehow, it’s March.

Maybe it’s strange but Steve didn’t expect to feel much differently today. He couldn’t see how it would be possible for him to hurt more. But today it is.

Because today is Bucky’s birthday. He would have been turning thirty-one.

But he’s not.

Because he died.

Steve tries to tell himself this more lately. Instead of thinking that Bucky’s gone, he tries to use the harshest word possible, as though that will help it sink in. Because Steve just can’t always believe his own reality. Sometimes, when he’s managed to sleep for a little while, he wakes up wondering why his arms aren’t wrapped around a warm body, listening to a heartbeat, face invariably full of soft brown hair.

It’s devastating. The moment his brain kicks in and remembers everything in one go.

The first time he dreamt of Bucky and woke remembering it, he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Truly. The way he used to feel in his small and sickly body when his asthma would kick off.

He feels that way again now.

Because today, instead of planning a surprise for Bucky, or being excited to watch him open a gift, he’s standing next to Winnie at Bucky’s headstone.

Winnie had three made and the family markers are all in a line next to one another. George Barnes. Rebecca Barnes. James Barnes.

Steve never wanted to come here. He didn’t attend the funeral Winnie held. Couldn’t. It felt too soon. It made it too real.

It feels more real right now.

He knows he’ll never forgive himself for not being strong enough to be there, the way Winnie wanted him to, but all the same, he still doesn’t want to be here now. But he owes it to Winnie even more now. He watches and swallows down the pain he feels as Winnie touches Bucky’s headstone. She tells him she misses him. She wishes him a happy birthday. Tears fall down her cheeks, dampening her scarf as she replaces the flowers she’s obviously been leaving frequently there.

She waits, clearly in case Steve wants to say anything, but he can’t. Because Bucky isn’t there. He was turned into ash and he doesn’t exist now and Steve can’t pretend like Winnie can.

They make their way back to Bucky’s aunt Kim’s house where Winnie now lives. They have dinner together and Winnie and Kim tell little stories about Bucky. They try their best to stay upbeat, but the whole evening is shrouded in misery and pain. Steve does his absolute best to not fall apart. He can’t smile, but he doesn’t cry.

Winnie worries about him as he’s leaving. Asks if he wants to stay the night. He declines and tries to make himself look okay as they hug goodbye. Winnie doesn’t push it. She never does. He knows she understands.

The drive back on his bike takes four hours. With the noise and the wind and the dark, cold and empty road, Steve almost feels nothing. Thoughts somehow manage to leave him. It’s a welcome relief. He doesn’t want to think about everything Bucky’s missing. He doesn’t want to think about how his life was cut short in the blink of an eye.

When he gets back to the compound, Steve’s exhausted. He doesn’t leave his room for the next four days.

He’s thankful he manages to sleep for a good long portion of each day, over thirteen hours sometimes. Sometimes he wishes he could just stay asleep forever. At least until his dream that night.

_“See now,” Nat grins, “isn’t this so much better than wearing jeans or something?” She pats down Steve’s lapels for him._

_“I suppose so,” Steve admits. “Thank you.” Nat had arrived late that morning with a suit in each hand, Clint having informed her about their spontaneous wedding. They’re in one of the rooms upstairs, getting ready. Bucky’s just down the hall with Sam and his mom, while the others are getting everything else ready._

_They’ve all been so supportive, Steve can’t believe it. And Bucky was right. This is the right time to do this, with all their friends and family with them for once. They don’t know when that will happen again and he wants to share this with them, just as Bucky does._

_“You’re very welcome.” Nat smiles as she walks over to her bag. “I even had time to get you a wedding gift,” she informs him as she pulls a large envelope out._

_“You didn’t have to do that,” Steve tells her, touched. He knows Nat is the kind of person who gets things done, but even he’s surprised that she’s done all she has, what with the suits and the rings she got to Bucky’s exact specifications, and she even had time to dress up herself in a beautiful dark green dress._

_“Well, I know you realised this whole thing wouldn’t be exactly legal—”_

_“I know,” Steve sighs a little and shrugs. There’s no way for them to register somewhere, what with being wanted fugitives. “But it doesn’t matter to us. Maybe one day we’ll be able to do that?” he muses._

_Nat smiles. “You know, actually, wait right there. This is for both of you, so you should both be here. Unless you’re superstitious about seeing each other before the wedding?”_

_The door opens as she speaks. “Hey,” Bucky pokes his head in. “You almost ready?”_

_Nat smirks. “Huh, guess not.”_

_Bucky frowns. “Guess not what?”_

_Steve’s too busy staring at Bucky to explain. He looks stunning. Nat is seriously magic, because that suit fits him like a dream. Steve’s never seen him all dressed up before. He looks like a movie star. Better than a movie star, in fact. His hair is pulled back in a neat little bun, with a few stray hairs escaping and there’s just a gorgeous relaxed ease to him. He doesn’t look nervous at all. Just happy. Really happy._

_Steve knows how he feels._

_“Oh, we match.” Bucky breaks into a smile as he looks at Steve._

_He’s right. They both have matching pocket squares in a light blue, though Bucky’s in black and Steve’s suit is a deep blue._

_“You look amazing,” Steve tells him, hand reaching out for him._

_Bucky takes his hand, squeezing his fingers. “Thanks. Not as good as you, but I tried,” he grins. “Thank you again, Nat,” he tells her, looking over at her before Steve can argue that of course Bucky looks better. He’s perfect._

_“I was just coming to give you your wedding gift,” she explains, handing over the envelope._

_Steve takes it and Bucky watches as he opens it._

_“You look beautiful, by the way,” Bucky tells Nat._

_“Well thank you,” she smiles, before watching Steve._

_“A marriage license?” That’s really nice, Steve thinks as he looks at the papers. Even if they can’t get it official, having something to sign will make it feel that way._

_“I know you were kinda sad it couldn’t be legal, so I got you this, and an extra special present of hacking into the US government so it will in fact be registered as legal as soon as you sign that,” she grins._

_Bucky looks at her with wide eyes. “Seriously?” He sounds full of disbelief and happiness._

_Steve honestly feels a little choked up. He wraps her up in a hug before he can help himself. “Thank you, Nat,” he whispers into her hair. He’s been feeling a little bad that he can’t give Bucky the kind of wedding he deserves and Nat’s just made at least one part of it okay again._

_“You’re welcome.” She pats him on the back._

_Everything is just perfect after that._

_They get married just in front of the porch steps of the farmhouse._

_Winnie and Becca start crying almost the instant he and Bucky join hands._

_Steve just feels complete contentment, like he’s never really felt before. He stands holding Bucky’s hands as they read their vows and give each other their rings, and he just looks at the man who’s about to be his husband. There’s no fear or nerves or anything except pure elation and the feeling that he’s truly the luckiest person on any planet._

_Bucky leans in and kisses him and it’s official. He has a husband._

_Bucky looks just as happy and a little incredulous as he pulls away. “Love you, Stevie,” he whispers as Steve pulls him in for another kiss, overwhelmed with joy._

_But then suddenly, Bucky’s face falls. He looks scared._

_Steve reaches out for him, but he’s too far away._

_Bucky reaches his hand out, but it disintegrates in front of Steve, fingers crumbling into nothingness, shock on Bucky’s face as he slowly disappears._

_Love you, Stevie…_

Steve blinks awake, wetness on his face. He’s been crying in his sleep.

He remembers the dream. The loss hits him again. He never wants to sleep again, not after how real that dream was.

He lurches up in bed, panting, covered in sweat, and grabs the nearest thing to him.

His lamp goes flying into the wall with a huge crash.

It’s not enough. He starts grabbing anything in reach. Gets up so he can grab more things and throw them across the room in a fit of rage and hurt and loss, never-ending loss…

Nat bursts into his room, gun raised, looking for a threat.

Her presence somehow pulls him back and he freezes in the middle of the shattered remains of his room.

She lowers the gun, face full of empathy and sadness, and makes her way across the room in a second, letting Steve almost collapse into her arms.

They don’t talk about it. There’s nothing really to say.

The next day, she helps him clean up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with this, especially those commenting 💜 I hope it's not too hard going. We'll get somewhere eventually.


	7. Chapter 7

Steve sometimes wishes he could be useful.

Clint and Nat work at keeping things going and he wishes he could pull himself together and help. But the thing is, while they lost people, it’s not the same. Steve knows he shouldn’t compare grief, he knows they all feel it in their own ways, but Bucky was his whole world. His husband, his soulmate, his everything.

The others are handling things as best they can. Steve knows Thor left, carrying the guilt he feels at not stopping Thanos. Tony has gone with Pepper somewhere away from all this, and Steve doesn’t even know where Bruce is.

Sometimes he thinks he should leave too. But he doesn’t know where to go.

****

He goes home.

It’s been five months.

He hasn’t been back since the day of the snap.

As soon as he steps into the house, he realises this was the worst idea he’s ever had.

He didn’t tell the others he was going, he just went. Took a quinjet and flew off. Now he wishes he’d told them—wishes one of them could have talked him out of this.

The house is a tomb. Untouched. Cold. Lonely.

It’s like it’s waiting for them to come back. He steps into the living room and almost chokes at the sudden lack of air. Their Christmas tree is still there. Dead, brown, needles all over the floor, still decorated, some ornaments dropped onto the floor where they got too heavy for the dead branches to hold them any longer.

It looks like a corpse. It looks like Steve feels.

He realises didn’t even register when Christmas passed. Or their anniversary just before that. He can’t really remember those first few weeks. He knows he was practically an empty shell then. He didn’t eat or sleep or talk. He didn’t do anything. He was numb.

Sometimes he wishes he could still be numb. It hurt less.

There are presents still waiting to be wrapped on the table. Steve reaches out, trying to push down the despair as he runs his hand lightly over the paper on a finished box.

This was one of the last things Bucky touched…

He moves through the house slowly.

Every room he’s struck by memories…

_“Ta da!” Bucky grins with excitement, as he appears from the kitchen, holding a plate with a somewhat misshapen cake on it in his hands._

_Steve grins over at him from where he’s been dutifully sitting at the table, waiting for the dessert course. Bucky had cooked him dinner for his birthday and done an amazing job so far, Steve thought, considering Bucky really didn’t enjoy cooking and generally they were both happy to let Steve take on the majority of the cooking in the household._

_“Ooh cake!” Clint exclaims in excitement from where he’s seated next to Steve._

_“Yep,” Bucky says as he sets it down proudly, Wanda following behind him with some small plates and forks._

_Steve grins at the cake. Bucky’s iced his name on top and everything. It’s a little shaky looking and starts off bigger before trailing off to smaller and squished as Bucky ran out of room, but to Steve, it’s perfect._

_Bucky passes him over a knife. “Birthday boy has to cut the cake,” he grins._

_“Make sure you cut me a big piece,” Nat smirks at him from across the table._

_“There’s ice cream to go with it,” Sam says as he appears from the kitchen, two tubs in one hand and an ice cream scoop in the other._

_“I don’t know,” Becca peers at the cake with suspicion. “Are we really trusting that we won’t get food poisoning?”_

_Bucky scowls at her. “I’ll have you know, I’ve become a much better cook lately.”_

_“This is baking,” she reminds him with smirk._

_“Oh shut up,” Bucky brushes her off, giving her shoulder a gentle shove. “Plus Wanda helped,” he admits._

_“And it’s going to be delicious,” Wanda backs him up and they share a grin._

_“What flavour is it?” Logan pipes up, as Steve slices carefully through it._

_“Caramel apple,” Bucky beams proudly._

_It smells great, Steve thinks, as Wanda helps him plate it up for everyone._

_Bucky slides into his chair next to Steve and watches him as he takes a forkful, and breaks into a happy smile when Steve lets out a moan. It’s really fuckin’ good. He tells Bucky that exact thing._

_“Really?” Bucky looks even more pleased and steals a forkful from Steve’s plate. “Shit, it is,” he grins, swallowing, and then high fives Wanda across the table._

_Steve leans in and presses his lips against Bucky’s hair. “Thank you, sweetheart,” he murmurs in his ear._

_Bucky shivers a little and reaches down to squeeze Steve’s knee. “Are you having a good birthday?” he asks softly as everyone else digs into the cake while chatting across the table, Logan pouring out more drinks._

_“The best,” Steve confirms, full of happiness._

_“Well it’s not over yet,” Bucky whispers to him, leaning close, the hand on Steve’s knee inching up a little higher, making him want to groan out loud. “There’s definitely some more presents waiting for you in our bedroom.”_

_Steve nuzzles into his hair, mouth right near his ear. “Oh really?” God, he really wants to nibble on Bucky’s earlobe._

_“Mmhm,” Bucky nods, fingers trailing further up, as he turns and finds Steve’s lips to kiss him softly._

_“Okay, no, I don’t need to see that!” Becca complains, and they break apart. “Seriously, scarring me for life,” she adds, making a grossed-out face at them._

_“I could stand to see some more,” Nat murmurs, raising an eyebrow at them._

_“Oh, I did not need to hear that,” Sam complains, while Steve rolls his eyes at his friends and Bucky turns slightly red._

_“I regret inviting you all,” Bucky grouses, reaching for his drink._

_“No you don’t,” Becca fires back._

_Bucky gives her a haughty look. “You’re just jealous of how hot my husband is.”_

_“Hot AF,” Steve chips in without thinking._

_The whole table collapses into laughter, while Becca explains the inside joke to the others, between gasping breaths._

_Steve knows he’s gone a little red. He really didn’t mean to say that out loud._

_Bucky smiles widely at him and plants a loud showy kiss on his cheek. “You’re right about that, baby.”_

_“God, you guys are so mushy and gross,” Becca calls over at them._

_Bucky laughs and accidently knocks over a glass, red wine spilling onto the tablecloth…_

Steve finds himself on the floor of their bedroom, leaning against the wall, possibly hyperventilating.

It takes him a while to get up again.

He pulls himself together again as best he can, and takes his time in the house, having had the realisation that he can’t come back here again. Everything here is built around them. There are no memories here that don’t contain Bucky. The whole house and everything in it was created from their joint design and decisions.

It hurts to be here.

It hurts like his insides are being gouged out.

Steve takes his time packing up some of his clothes. He breaks down over Bucky’s clothes when he presses them to his face to find they still smell like him. It’s so real, so powerful, that when he opens his eyes, he can’t understand why Bucky isn’t right there in front of him.

God. He’d give anything for Bucky to be right there in front of him.

But he isn’t.

He never will be again.

Steve holds onto them for a long, long time.

Eventually, he decides to take some of them with him, putting them carefully into a separate bag. He finds Bucky’s grey sweater—the first date sweater as it became known to them—and he handles that with extra care, placing it delicately into the bag, before zipping it up.

He takes a few picture frames from the walls and tucks those into his other bag. He takes Bucky’s snow globe that has long been a feature of Bucky’s bedside table, forcing himself to think of anything else while he does so.

He takes the dead tree out to the side of the house, after methodically putting away the ornaments, because he can’t stand the idea of it standing there anymore. Each ornament feels like a piece of their life together being shoved away, piece by piece.

He clears up the presents on the table, putting them into the hallway closet. They’re all for people who are gone. Except then he finds one with his name on it. He holds the flat square box with shaking hands. Bucky got this for him. He realises he doesn’t have the strength to open it right now. He just can’t. He tucks it away in his bag.

Steve finds himself back at the front door and looks back at the remnants of the life they built.

That’s all that’s left.

Remnants.

He wishes he’d crumbled into dust too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think Bucky got Steve for Christmas? I'm excited to get to that bit 😊


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sneak attack surprise chapter. Cause it's the 15th and their anniversary and it is in the story too so I had to.
> 
> Minor warning for lightly referred to suidical thoughts.

“Hey.”

Steve looks up at the sound of Clint’s voice. He nods in acknowledgment as Clint sets a bag down on the kitchen counter. He’s sitting on one of the stools in front of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich Nat made for him. He’s made it through half so far. Nat says he’s starting to lose weight again and she’s worried about him.

Steve didn’t even think it was possible for him to do that originally. The serum always seemed to take care of things. Now he seems to fluctuate, or at least according to Nat he does. Steve doesn’t really notice.

“How was Laura?” he asks, as Clint gives his sandwich a once over, as though confirming to himself that Steve’s been eating it.

“She’s good,” Clint says evenly, face neutral.

Steve tries his best to give him a smile. It comes out as a tiny flicker of the corner of his lip. “It’s okay. I’m glad you have each other,” he promises.

People are so careful around him—not that he sees anyone really. But he knows Clint doesn’t want to rub it in his face that he’s happy—at least to an extent, as far as anyone can be. But Steve does want what’s best for his friends. He always has.

Clint forces a sad smile onto his face and grips Steve’s shoulder for a moment. “Thanks. How’s Nat doing?”

“She’s working on her orphanage project. It’s good, it’s giving her a real focus, something she really cares about.” Steve’s been glad to see it. Nat has been a constant for him, along with Clint, but he’s worried about her taking everything on herself. But helping children who lost their families...Steve knows it strikes a nerve with her and sees how important it is to her. He can’t help thinking of Wanda. He imagines she would have wanted to be involved too.

“Maybe you could work with her on it?” Clint suggests lightly, pouring himself some water.

“Maybe,” Steve replies just as lightly.

Clint sets down his glass and looks over at him—Steve can feel his eyes on him even though he’s looking down. “Steve. What day is it?”

“Two-hundred and fifty-five,” Steve says reflexively, before feeling caught out and looking over at Clint, daring him to say something. He knows Nat and Clint both hate that he does that—that he knows the exact number of days. He can’t seem to stop himself.

Clint looks down and sighs. “Steve…” He lets out a breath and shakes his head gently. “Something has to change, man. You can’t go on like this.”

The thing is, Steve doesn’t know how to go on, at all.

“I talked to Winnie,” Clint continues.

Steve frowns at him a little. He stays in touch with her as much as he can—they have weekly phone calls even now, even though talking to her hurts, because he’s the reason she lost her whole family, no matter what she says. “Why?” he asks. He hopes Clint hasn’t been bothering her. Winnie deserves whatever peace she can find.

“To get some advice,” Clint explains. “Nat and I…we don’t really know what to do to help you,” he admits.

Steve lets out an amused huff. He never expected either of them would admit that. They have never once stopped trying. He knows they are doing their best and he loves them for it, but there _is_ nothing to help him.

Clint ignores the sound. “Winnie said she talks to them sometimes,” he says softly. “Makes her feel better, like they’re close.” He shrugs a shoulder. “I don’t know…” He sighs again. “Maybe it would do the same for you?” he suggests, before squeezing Steve’s shoulder again and then leaving him alone.

Steve can’t imagine that helping. It sounds like such a bizarre idea. Speaking to Bucky like he’s still there…surely that would be more painful? He doesn’t see how that could help. He’s supposed to be trying to let him go, not think of him even more.

Still, he thinks about it.

He takes another two hours to finish his sandwich.

****

A few weeks later, Steve takes a walk outside. He does this on his own a lot more now, though Nat and Clint still join him sometimes.

He settles down to sit on the grass near the river and listens to the water rushing by. He thinks it looks cleaner than it used to. There must be less pollution lately.

He shakes his head. He’s distracting himself. He came here for a reason.

He forces himself to take out a photo of Bucky that he put in his notebook that morning, which he carried with him to the river. He swallows hard as he looks at the picture.

It’s one of Bucky before they met. Bucky had it in his photo collection, but Steve’s never known where it’s from. It’s one of his favourites though. Bucky’s looking away from the camera, a soft smile on his beautiful face, as he looks out the frame. He’s sitting on the ground, knees up to his chest, hands round his legs, and the sunlight is lighting his hair from behind, making it glow. It looks peaceful. Bucky looks at peace.

It’s how Steve wants to think of him as he does this.

Steve stares at the photo for a few minutes before carefully putting it back in his notebook, ensuring it stays flat and perfect.

He looks out at the river again, feeling a little chill in the air around him, and swallows again before opening his mouth. “H-hey, Buck,” he finally manages.

At first it feels stupid as he stumbles through his words. He’s not delusional. He knows Bucky can’t hear him, because Bucky is gone, always gone.

But Steve talks to him anyway.

He doesn’t know what to say at first, so he tells Bucky about the tweeting birds that are in the trees across the way. He tells him about the yellow flowers by the water.

It starts with just little things like that until it doesn’t feel stupid anymore.

Soon Steve finds himself talking to Bucky about more and more.

Sometimes he tells him about them, remembering their history. Little things, like the way Bucky always looked so sweet when he was sleeping. Big things, like their first kiss, or remembering the first time they danced together in Steve’s living room. Sometimes he just tells him how much he misses him. Sometimes he begs Bucky for the strength to keep going.

Because that’s the thing, the reason why Steve is still here, why he’s still living, what little he is. Because Bucky would never forgive him if he left.

“I hate you for that, Buck,” Steve admits, staring at the water on day three-hundred and fourteen. “I just want to be back with you,” he continues. “But maybe that can’t happen yet.” Steve takes a shuddering breath. “Maybe I’ll only get that at the end, after this life runs out on its own. Maybe then we’ll be together.” He blinks back tears. The thought doesn’t help. That’s a long time to go—who really knows how long with the serum. God, what if he never...

Steve shakes his head. No. He won’t, he...Bucky would forgive him then. He would understand that Steve couldn’t keep going, not if it seemed that he would never end.

But for now...for now he has to try. He has to.

For Bucky.

****

Somehow things start to change without Steve really realising.

On day three-hundred and sixty-five—one year since the snap, since the day he lost Bucky, along with many other friends—Steve finally goes to a support group.

He knew the day would be hard—the idea that it’s been a whole year is somehow unfathomable to him, and yet it also feels like it’s been more like ten years—and so he finally takes Nat’s advice and goes to the city to the group she recommended.

It’s full of people like him.

He’s fully prepared to leave feeling the same as he did when he went in, but somehow it does help. He can talk here. The other Avengers...they lost people, but they didn’t lose what Steve did. Winnie lost everything, but Steve can’t talk to her about it, not without the crushing guilt that leaves him breathless. They talk about how the other is doing, but they don’t talk about the loss.

But the people in the group…they lost spouses, some lost children. They are every bit as broken as Steve is. They understand him, because they feel the same. They know that it’s not unreasonable that even a year later that he can’t move on. They know the struggle that still exists in just getting up every day.

It helps as much as anything can, even if only for a short time.

Afterwards, he feels raw though. He travels back to the Avengers compound, feeling on edge. He wants to hit something.

He realises this is exactly how Bucky felt, when Steve made him go to therapy. How it exposes everything. How it makes everything come to the surface. He wishes he could tell Bucky how sorry he is for making him do that when he didn’t want to.

He does the same thing Bucky did.

He goes to their gym and starts punching through bags. Literally. He has to keep re-hanging new ones because he hits them so hard.

It reminds him of when they setup their little home gym in their basement in New York. Bucky had decided he wanted to get fitter…

_“I need to start taking care of myself again,” Bucky tells him, when he floats the idea of a home gym. “I’ve got all flabby.”_

_Steve chuckles in disbelief, giving him a lingering look up and down. “That’s your idea of flabby?” he asks incredulously. “You’re gorgeous and ridiculous,” he scoffs fondly, putting the last dish on the rack to dry._

_Bucky frowns at him from where he’s making coffee. “I used to look so much better,” he mumbles a little._

_Steve manages not to roll his eyes but it’s a hard thing. “Baby, people would kill for your body.”_

_Bucky looks over at his metal arm with a ‘hmph’ noise, then looks down and pokes his stomach with a grimace._

_Steve does roll his eyes now because he knows perfectly well that there’s a set of well-defined and extremely sexy abs under that shirt and that Bucky’s arm is just as perfect as any part of him. He sighs softly, fondly. “Look, I think a home gym is a great idea for fitness, but don’t you dare think you need it,” he says, stepping over to Bucky, reaching out and trailing his fingers across Bucky’s t-shirt covered stomach._

_Bucky still doesn’t look happy, so Steve shucks up his shirt a little, while lowering down to his knees so his face is right at Bucky’s stomach._

_“Look at these,” he says reverently, and shakes his head in disbelief. He kisses the toned muscle he finds there._

_“Stevie,” Bucky groans out._

_“Ab-solutely perfect,” Steve grins, kissing again._

_Bucky huffs, though Steve feels him quivering a little at the kisses, stomach muscles tightening involuntarily. “Really?” he says, sounding unimpressed. “That’s what you’re gonna do?”_

_“Ab-surdly beautiful,” Steve continues, with another kiss to the divot by Bucky’s hipbone this time._

_“Your puns are atrocious,” Bucky says with an amused huff, hand stroking into Steve’s hair, making his head tingle._

_“So perfect it’s ab-normal,” Steve smiles into his soft skin._

_Bucky groans at that one. “You aren’t allowed to say words ever again,” he says, rolling his eyes as he looks down at Steve._

_Steve shrugs, hands finding the button and zipper of Bucky’s pants. “That’s okay. I can think of something else that keeps my mouth busy.”_

_Bucky lets out a punched noise full of desire as Steve grins up at him, and he lowers the zipper…_

Steve punches his hand clear through one of the bags.

God, he hates his own brain. He feels like he has no control of himself. He gets hit with flashes of memory all the time—things that floor him, that make him want to scream as he remembers again what he’s lost.

He misses the feel of Bucky’s skin on his, misses the feeling of desire and fire and heat, and feeling like they were the only two people in the world. He misses sliding his fingers through Bucky’s soft, beautiful hair, and pressing his lips against his neck. He misses those grey-blue eyes looking at him, full of love and want. He misses the sounds Bucky would make—sounds he can still remember, like they’re seared into his brain. Sometimes he gets terrified that one day he’ll forget those sounds, or Bucky’s voice whispering sweet words to him. He can’t stand the idea of that. He prays that the serum will somehow keep them fresh in his mind forever.

He sits down heavily on one of the benches, looking at the destruction he’s caused in the gym, finally noticing how his hands are bruised and bloody. They probably hurt, but Steve barely registers the pain.

It doesn’t matter. The serum will fix them.

Nothing matters.

Nothing will ever really matter again.

****

It happens too fast and yet so slow. Suddenly it’s here. Only a few days later.

Their anniversary.

The fifteenth of December.

Last year it happened only a few days after Thor killed Thanos. Steve can’t even remember it. He has no idea what happened that day. He must have blocked it out.

Today, he feels everything.

And he knows it’s stupid. Every day without Bucky is the worst day, an anniversary shouldn’t hurt more.

But it does.

It makes him think of how he should be waking up with Bucky in his arms, warm and snuggly. He should be surprising him with a gift and pressing kisses along every bit of uncovered skin he can find.

He shouldn’t be lying in a bed at the compound, staring at the ceiling, feeling cold. As cold as he did when he went into the ice.

There’s a quiet knock on his door, which opens cautiously a moment later.

“Hey,” Nat says as she pokes her head in.

Steve doesn’t want to talk. He doesn’t. He knows she knows what day it is. “Hi,” he says dully, not looking over. “I’m not up for visitors today, Nat.”

“That’s too bad, cause you’ve got one.”

Steve startles at the familiar voice and turns his head to see Tony standing in the doorway with Nat. “Tony? What are you—”

“Just came by for a visit. Making sure Romanov hasn’t burned the place down,” he jokes in his familiar way, but his voice doesn’t match. He looks solemn.

Steve manages to drag himself up, so he’s sitting on the bed with his legs over the side, facing them. “It’s good to see you, Tony, really,” he promises, “but I…” He trails off and shakes his head. “It’s not a good time.”

“I know,” Tony replies softly, while Nat looks on. “But it’s gonna have to be, cause I brought someone for you to meet.”

Steve frowns at him.

Tony gestures with his head behind him. “C’mon. Give me a few minutes at least?”

Steve gives in and nods tiredly, too exhausted to argue it. He gets up and heads over there.

Tony grasps his shoulder when he reaches him. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around. But there was a reason.”

Tony moves away and Steve’s eyes go wide, because there’s a pushchair behind them with a small smiling baby inside.

Tony reaches down and gently pokes the baby’s nose and the kid gurgles out a giggle as Tony turns back to face him. “This is Morgan.”

Steve can’t really believe what he’s seeing. “You and Pepper…?” he asks in disbelief.

“Yep,” Tony grins, an actual happy look this time.

“But you didn’t say anything?” Steve says incredulously, moving a little closer to get a better look.

Tony looks a little uncomfortable when Steve glances over at him. “Well, I did…just not to you. I didn’t want to…” He grimaces a little as he stops talking.

“Didn’t want to what?” Steve pushes, looking down at the little girl who’s smiling back at him. She’s adorable.

“To upset you,” Tony admits after a moment of silence.

Steve frowns and looks over at him as Nat pats him gently on the arm. “Why would it upset me?”

Tony shrugs. “You know…I didn’t want to be rubbing your face in it. I mean, I’m happy, you know? Really happy and you…” He looks sadly at Steve.

Steve gives him a little sad smile, as he looks down, eyes feeling a little glassy. “I’m happy for you, Tony. Really,” he promises when he looks up. “I wish I’d known.” He’d never realised his own friends would be worried about telling him good news. He needs to do better. He knows he does.

“Thank you,” Tony says genuinely, looking touched. “You wanna hold her?”

Steve automatically thinks no. It makes him nervous. He’s never been good with kids. People used to hand him babies for photos and they would always, without fail, cry. But then he looks down at her and changes his mind. He nods, wordlessly.

“Alright, Miss Morgan,” Tony murmurs as he leans down to unhook her. “Come meet your uncle Steve.” He grins at her as he lifts her out and then passes her over to Steve, showing him how to hold her.

Morgan stares at him like she’s examining him, face up close when in his arms. Steve stares back and attempts to smile, somewhat overwhelmed at the idea that Tony called him her uncle. “She’s beautiful, Tony.”

“Well, thank you. I let Pepper take all the credit for that.”

Nat is watching him, a soft smile on her face. “She likes you,” she says as Morgan reaches out and pulls on his beard.

Steve looks over at her, a strange mix of sadness along with happiness for his friends running through him. “Yeah?”

Nat nods. She looks happy for the first time in a long time, like seeing Steve with Morgan is making her happy. “Tony, you want a drink?” Nat offers, heading away already.

“You read my mind.” Tony grabs the pushchair and starts wheeling it after her. “C’mon uncle Steve,” he calls back to him.

Steve gives Morgan a watery smile. He holds her a little tighter as he follows behind them.

Tony ends up staying for the whole day.

Morgan is in Steve’s arms for most of it. Once he established that she seemed happy there and wasn’t going to cry, he found it hard to let go of her. The very idea that something so innocent and precious could have been born into this hellish world…it soothes Steve somehow.

He has no idea how Tony and Nat managed it, but somehow they found something to help keep his mind off the day, as much as anything could.

Tony eventually has to go, but Steve promises he’ll visit. And he means it. He wants to make more effort, to see the people in his life who are still there for him. He hasn’t been doing well at recognising that there are still people who care about him, too lost in his grief to really be there for them, the way they are for him.

He hugs Tony and kisses Morgan on the forehead as they leave, Morgan asleep in her car seat already. He gives Nat a long hug as Tony drives away, and thanks her.

She seems happy as they say goodnight, and Steve heads to bed.

It’s still cold. But he lies there and tells Bucky all about Morgan and, somehow, the day isn’t as dark as Steve thought it would be.

He’s hopeful he can make it through the next milestone without falling apart.

Because in ten days, it’s Christmas.


	9. Chapter 9

Steve makes a rash decision, five days before Christmas.

Seeing Tony and Morgan…somehow it makes him realise how much he’s been relying on Nat and Clint and how he’s been hiding away at the compound where he never has to see or talk to anyone if he doesn’t want to.

He’s been doing it for so long now.

So he makes a decision.

He moves out of the Avengers facility.

Nat chooses to stay there, working with Danvers and the others, keeping things going, and she’s worried, but doesn’t begrudge him leaving. She wants what’s best for him and Steve’s decided this is best. It feels like he’s hardly been by himself since the snap, even though in so many ways he’s alone. But it finally feels like he needs to be by himself to try…something. He’s not sure what or why, but he just feels sure this is the right thing for him.

He goes back to his old house in Brooklyn. Their old house.

The place surprisingly survived the mass looting that went on after the snap, maybe due to the enhanced security Tony had installed back when Steve moved there. Some of their things are still there. Sam had brought them some to their new home when they left, but not everything.

Steve feels like this is the right thing for him, the right place to be right now.

It’s horrendous at first, being there though. Even though it’s been a long time since they lived there, every inch of the place reminds him of the life he no longer has and reminds him of all the early times in their relationship, all the firsts…

_“I swear, if I had this bathtub, I would never leave it.” Bucky lets out a deep moan._

_Steve loves that idea. Would be quite happy to find Bucky luxuriating in his bathtub every day. Especially if he gets to join him like he is now._

_Bucky’s back is pressed against his chest, ass pressed against his crotch. Bucky clearly feels him hard against him—having naked Bucky in his arms and Bucky’s moans not helping that situation—but neither of them are making any moves right then. Steve’s more than happy to just feel the warm water around them, Bucky’s soft skin and hard muscles against him, his wet hair sticking to Steve’s chest._

_The bathroom’s all fogged up from the heat and Steve takes deep, comforting breaths as they relax together._

_Bucky had taken the initiative that morning, after staying the night, and finally dragged Steve into the tub. Steve has no idea why it took them this long, because this…this closeness and warmth and just pure calmness, is just perfect. Steve never wants to leave._

_And apparently Bucky doesn’t either._

_“We should get some bubble stuff for next time,” Bucky tells him. “I’ll get Becca to come with me and pick a good one.”_

_“We’re doing this again?” Steve smiles and leans in to reach Bucky’s left shoulder, placing a kiss there. He loves that Bucky trusts him to do this now._

_Bucky moans again, a sound of deep relaxation and happiness. “We are doing this as often as humanly possible.” Then he falters slightly, a tiny bit of nervousness in his voice. “I mean…if you want to.”_

_Steve nuzzles into his neck, beaming. “I can get on board with that.”_

_Bucky moves, somehow managing to turn all the way around without splashing water out the tub, so he’s facing Steve, using his hand to keep himself up a little._

_Steve moves one of his hands to stroke down Bucky’s back, stopping just on the swell of his ass._

_“Where are those hands going, Rogers?” Bucky smirks at him, cheeks pink from the heat of the room._

_Steve can feel him, hard against his leg. He grins back at Bucky as he very purposefully moves his hand lower…_

There’s half used bubble bath next to the tub.

They never did get round to using it all.

Steve splashes cold water on his face, trying to snap himself out of the memories that threaten to drown him.

He pulls himself together and does the same as he did at the farmhouse. He goes slowly through the house, taking note of their things. Like at the farmhouse, he again finds some of Bucky’s old clothes in the closet and he breaks down, but this time because they _don’t_ smell like him anymore.

It’s been a while since he’s had such a reaction to something, but the house is full of things that set him off.

But Steve does what he needs to, all the while in disbelief that it’s really been a year. It doesn’t feel like it can really be real—that he’s lasted this long without him. He wishes he could wake up and have this all be a long, awful nightmare.

Steve finally closes up their room with all their things inside and sleeps in one of the spare rooms instead.

He never opens that room up again.

****

Four days later, on Christmas Eve, Steve takes Bucky’s present out of the drawer he put it in.

He’s kept it for seven months, unable to face opening it, burying it away.

But now it feels like it’s time. Bucky won’t be with him this Christmas, but this…he got this for Steve. Even if it turns out to be a pair of socks, Steve knows he’ll never treasure anything more.

He’s opening it a day early but he has to. Tony’s invited them all over to his lake-house tomorrow and Nat made him promise he would go. Steve knows he can’t do this in front of everyone and knows it’ll make him emotional, so he has to do it today.

He takes a deep breath and he settles down on the couch, a flash of memory reminding him of when they gave each other their dog tags on the very same couch—the dog tags Steve still wears round his neck. He gives himself a moment, feeling the skin-warmed metal against his chest, and runs his finger over the tag where Bucky simply wrote Steve’s name. Even just Bucky’s handwriting makes his heart lurch in his chest. Then he carefully unwraps the red reindeer paper on his gift to reveal a flat cardboard box.

He takes another breath and lifts the lid.

Steve doesn’t really understand what he’s looking at, not at first.

He lifts it out. It’s a collar—soft black leather with a round metal tag that upon closer inspection is engraved with the word, _Mable_.

Steve frowns to himself. He doesn’t get it until he suddenly does.

Bucky had been talking about getting a dog. He’d been hinting, saying it would be good to have a farm dog, but Steve knew really he just wanted a dog to cuddle with and spoil.

That must have been his present. Bucky was going to bring a dog home, Steve realises. The fact that the collar has a nametag makes Steve think that he’d already arranged everything, and suddenly Steve has to know. He just has to find out what happened.

He lurches up from the couch to grab his laptop from the other room and sits at the dining room table. He goes with the most likely option first and starts with the closest animal shelter to the farmhouse. He knows Bucky would have wanted to adopt instead of buy a dog.

Surprisingly, the shelter nearest them is still running.

Steve doesn’t really think. He grabs a jacket and his keys and he’s out the door.

A couple of hours drive on his bike later, breaking all the speed limits, and he’s arrived.

The door’s locked so he tries knocking, suddenly deflated, realising it’s Christmas Eve and they must be closed. But maybe someone is around anyway, he hopes. Someone has to still feed the animals, right?

He’s right. He hears footsteps after his incessant knocking and then the door cracks open slightly.

A young woman with short black hair and glasses peers at him. “I’m sorry, sir, we’re closed today.”

“I’m sorry, I just realised that,” Steve apologises. “I just…I have something really important to ask you and I’m so sorry to bother you, but could you spare me five minutes?” he pleads. “I promise, I just need to ask you about an adoption.”

She gives him a look, like she’s sizing him up and then she opens the door fully. She gives him a little smile. “C’mon in,” she gestures.

Steve nods and steps inside, the slight smell of dog hitting him. “Thank you so much,” he tells her, relieved for a moment, before he remembers she might not have any idea about what he’s talking about. This could be the wrong place.

“So, how can I help you?” the woman asks as she walks round to the other side of the counter as Steve stands there.

Steve’s not sure how to start. “Um, did you work here, um...before?” Everyone says before now. Before the snap. Before his life ended.

Her expression gets a little pinched and sad. “Yes, sir. I’ve been running this place for almost eight years now. I’m Connie, by the way,” she introduces herself.

Steve feels relieved. She’s more likely to know then. “I’m Steve,” he says before continuing. “This will sound strange, but did you have a dog called Mable here, just before the...what happened, happened,” he asks, stumbling a little over his words.

Her expression turns thoughtful. She frowns and turns to her computer. Steve thinks she’s ignoring him for a minute, but then she clicks a few times and speaks again. “Do you know Mr. James Barnes?” she asks.

Steve’s heart thumps, a bolt of pain there as always whenever anyone says Bucky’s name. He takes a second to answer. “Yes, I...he’s my husband,” he manages softly, stumbling over his words again and forgetting to use past tense. “I think he was going to adopt a dog from here for my Christmas present?”

Connie seems to understand what he’s not saying. She looks at him sympathetically. “He was,” she confirms, voice kind. “After the snap...I tried calling when he didn’t come to get Mable, but I didn’t get a response. I figured what might have happened.” She pauses and looks at him kindly. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Steve nods. It’s all he can do right then. But he was right. Bucky was going to get him a dog.

“We don’t usually like people adopting for Christmas presents, but I could tell he was in it for the long haul. If I remember right, he said you had a farm and he wanted a working farm dog?”

Steve lets out a breath. “That’s right. We discussed it a little. I guess he wanted to surprise me.” He pauses and almost smiles to himself, imagining how excited Bucky must have been for Steve to open his present. He supposes Bucky would have then disappeared and brought Mable into the room with him, a big smile on his face.

Steve suddenly feels terribly sad. He looks back at Connie, forcing himself to stay strong. “I just wanted to know what happened to Mable? Did she...disappear in the snap,” he forces himself to ask, “or did she get a new family?”

“Mable’s still here,” Connie says gently, face brightening even so.

Steve feels a little incredulous. “She is?”

“Yeah.” Connie looks a little sad now. “There’s not as many people to adopt anymore and she has...actually, before I explain, would you want to meet her?”

Steve nods instantly, curious, but also strangely ecstatic at the idea of meeting the dog Bucky wanted to bring home. “I would really like that.” He hasn’t felt excited in what feels like forever.

“Follow me.” She gestures and leads Steve back to a room full of dog cages. They are about three-quarters full and some of the dogs bark as they see people walking in. Connie makes cooing noises at some of them as Steve follows until she stops in front of a beautiful black and white dog, curled up on a soft bed. Steve thinks she’s a Border Collie. A classic farm dog.

“This is Mable,” Connie beams. She unlocks the cage as Steve stares at Mable—at the dog Bucky chose for them. The dog stares back with big soulful brown eyes.

“Why’s no one adopted her?” Steve asks. She’s a beautiful dog—he can’t imagine anyone not wanting her—and it makes him inordinately sad that she’s been here for over a year.

“Ah,” Connie sighs slightly. “Mable is sort of a special case.”

At that, as if she knew what was being said, Mable moves, standing up and walking towards Steve and that’s when Steve realises...Mable is a three-legged dog.

Connie looks like she’s waiting for his reaction. “Most people want a dog with all four legs,” she shrugs.

Steve bursts out laughing for the first time in over a year. Once he starts, he can’t seem to stop. It’s so foreign to him, it makes his face hurt. But he can’t stop laughing. Bucky got him a farm dog with three legs. It’s adorable and hilarious and he can see it, he can literally picture Bucky seeing Mable and it breaking his heart and knowing he had to take her. He knows Bucky wouldn’t have been able to not adopt her.

Connie looks a little confused at his almost hysteria.

“I’m sorry,” Steve tells her, between choked laughter. “It’s just...this is exactly something he would do.”

Connie smiles, realising it’s good laughter. “I remember he just fell in love with her. He said something about knowing what a disability was like and I could just tell that he would take good care of her.”

Steve manages to control his laughter. Bucky would have taken the best care of her. Mable would have been spoiled beyond belief, just like the chickens. He suddenly feels a bit choked up, as Mable shifts forward and presses her wet nose against his hand.

He looks down at her. “Hey there.” He pets her softly and slowly on the head, making sure not to scare her. He crouches down to her level and rubs her face gently with his hands. “Hi, Mable,” he almost whispers. It’s the oddest feeling, to know Bucky would have done this same thing a year ago. Bucky’s hands have been here. It makes Steve feel close to him. After all his laughter, he now feels a little like crying.

He glances up at Connie. “I...I’d really like to adopt her, if I can,” he says as a realisation. There’s no way he can leave this dog here. This is Bucky’s dog. It’s _their_ dog and she’s been waiting for him to find her.

Connie looks kind and understanding. “How about I get the forms and we can discuss the sort of care Mable needs and we’ll see if it’s a good fit still?” she offers in a kind tone. “Why don’t you stay here with Mable while I get them.”

Steve nods. While Connie gets the papers, Steve finds himself falling in love with this dog. She clearly has a sweet temperament, if a little shy. He pets her and eventually finds himself gently hugging Mable. “I’m gonna take you home now, Mable, I promise,” he mumbles to her. “I’m sorry you had to wait so long, but it’s okay now. I’m gonna take care of you,” he promises.

And he will.

Because this is what Bucky wanted. And Steve has to do it. He just has to. Because somehow it feels like fate.

It feels like Bucky’s watching out for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😍 I hope you liked this one and what the present turned out to be! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading so far! x


	10. Chapter 10

It’s safe to say Mable changes his life.

He suddenly has a focus, something to look after, something that needs his care and attention. He's responsible for her well-being and it means even on the days when he doesn't want to get out of bed, he has to, because Mable needs him to. And because he knows Bucky trusted him to love and care for Mable, just as he would have, Steve is determined to make Mable to most cared for dog in the world.

He bought out practically the entire pet store that day when he brought her back home with Nat’s help. She’d come to pick him up, seeing as he couldn’t take Mable on his bike, and while he could tell she was worried about him taking on the responsibility of a dog, as soon as he told her that it was Bucky’s dog, she understood entirely and became the most supportive friend in the world.

She didn’t even complain when he decided he wanted to stay home, getting Mable settled in, instead of going to Tony’s. Even though he could tell Nat didn’t want to leave him alone on Christmas, she seemed to understand how he and Mable needed time to themselves, so Steve could deal with his emotions at finding her and Mable wouldn’t be overwhelmed with people as she got used to her new home.

And got used to it, she has.

Steve smiles fondly at her while he reads the morning paper and she chows down on her kibble. Steve got her the ridiculously expensive kind that Connie said wasn’t full of filler ingredients and Mable seems delighted with it.

She also seems delighted with her four different dog beds, placed in different locations throughout the house, so she always has somewhere to sit, and delights in playing with the mountain of dog toys Steve got her, still almost as excitable and playful as a puppy even though Connie told him Mable is almost three now. It’s adorable to watch. She constantly brings a toy to Steve to throw or play tug with, demanding his attention whenever she wants it. Steve’s amazed at how happy she seems.

The first night, he didn’t want to overwhelm her, so he led her to his bedroom and hoped she’d settle into the dog bed he placed in the corner, but she surprised him by jumping up to join him on the bed.

Every night since, he’s fallen asleep with Mable there next to him.

And if that first night he cried because it had been so long since he’d had that sort of comforting presence next to him…well, only him and Mable knew.

He’s also been amazed at how well Mable gets around, despite her missing front leg. Connie said she was born that way, so it’s all she’s known anyway, and when she really wants to, she can still run pretty fast with just the three.

Sometimes Steve gets worried about her getting tired though, and he’s spent many a walk home, after Mable wears herself out at the park, carrying her in his arms, while passers-by look amused at the large dog being carried. But Mable seems perfectly happy for Steve to carry her, so whenever he thinks she’s tired, he does. He imagines Bucky’s probably laughing his head off at them, amused at how spoiled Mable is.

Because Steve truly adores her. She’s brought life back into his home. He’d become so closed off, life an endless grey, but with Mable with him there are now swirls of colour through his world. She’s changed everything really. And through it all, Steve feels Bucky there with him. Because it was Bucky who did this for him. Bucky is still changing his life even though he’s gone.

He tells Bucky all about Mable, but he also finds himself telling Mable all about Bucky. And he knows while Bucky would have made fun of Steve for spoiling her, he would have spoiled her just as much at the same time. God, Steve wishes he could have seen them together, just once. Sometimes just the thought that Bucky is missing out on this makes him so upset, so lost again, that he wonders if he’ll ever feel okay again.

But it turns out Mable helps with that too. She doesn’t just give him something to take care of and focus on. She also seems to sense when Steve’s feeling low. Whenever he loses himself in his grief or thoughts of the past, she almost always notices and comes and butts her head against him and then looks at him with those big brown eyes and helps bring him out of it. He always runs his fingers over the tag on her collar and it makes him feel a little better, in a way that nothing else could before.

And Mable makes him try a little harder.

He doesn’t want Mable to feel cooped up, so they go to visit his friends, whenever he’s having a better day, or sometimes they visit him. Clint adores Mable and comes to visit just to see her, Steve thinks. Winnie cries and hugs Mable when Steve explains the story. Now he lives closer, she visits more too. Mable seems to help her, just as she helps Steve.

And they even take a little trip to Tony’s lake-house a few months later with Clint coming along too. It’s there that Steve is both amazed and disgusted again at how time is passing him by. Morgan is growing up so fast and while it’s wonderful to see, it also reminds him of everything they lost. He thinks about Sam and Wanda a lot while they’re there. Sometimes he feels guilty because his thoughts are so often with Bucky that he feels he doesn’t think enough about the friends they lost too, but Clint assures him that it’s understandable when Steve admits it out loud.

Even Tony seems to understand.

“Oh, believe me, I get it,” Tony tells him, as they sit on the porch watching Clint help Morgan throw a ball for Mable. “I look at all I’ve got and I can’t really believe it. I’m happy,” he shrugs, sipping his drink, ice rattling around.

“You should be,” Steve tells him. “You deserve to be. You have your family and that’s what matters.” He means it. He doesn’t begrudge Tony this life he’s built.

“Yeah but at what cost,” Tony sighs. “I lost Pe…” He trails off. “It makes me feel guilty that I’m not sad all the time.”

Steve lets out a little breath. “I think that’s to be expected.”

“Yeah, well…” Tony shrugs. “I’m just saying, it’s okay if you think about Bucky the most. It doesn’t mean you forget everyone else we lost, it’s just how it is.”

Steve doesn’t have time to thank Tony for making him feel a little better about it. He’s too busy being struck by sudden panic as Morgan throws the ball into the water and Mable zooms off after it.

“Mable!” Steve’s on his feet already, running for the water in a panic. He has no idea if Mable can swim with just the three legs.

He’s already up to his waist in the chilly lake before he realises Mable is just fine. She’s doggy-paddling a little awkwardly, ball in her mouth, happy as anything, swimming back towards him.

He feels pure relief run through him and then he glances back behind him to see Clint, Tony and even Morgan are laughing at him.

“Now that was excellent,” Tony laughs as he walks down to the water’s edge.

“Man, I’ve never seen you run that fast,” Clint manages between laughing breaths.

Steve frowns at them as Mable paddles happily past him back to the shore. “I didn’t know if she could swim!” he protests, looking down at his soaked clothes as he gingerly walks back through the water to them.

Mable happily drops the ball by his feet when he’s back on dry land.

Steve shakes his head and chuckles. “Good girl, Mable.” He bends down, only to get covered in more water as Mable shakes herself off. Steve lifts his hands in surrender and grimaces, basically fully soaked now.

Tony’s smiling fondly at them. “C’mon, you can clean up inside,” he offers, still looking amused. “Pep’s probably got lunch almost ready and you can’t sit there like that.”

Steve nods and rolls his eyes at Mable, but drops a kiss onto the top of her wet head. He’s soaked and cold and somewhat embarrassed by his overreaction, but he’d do it again just to make sure she was safe.

He follows Tony, picking Mable up to take her inside to get cleaned up too, Pepper raising her eyebrows at the state of them as he mumbles apologies as they pass through the kitchen, Tony leaving them to it in the bathroom.

And as he cleans Mable up, shaking his head in amazement at all the mud trapped in her paws, he realises he hasn’t smiled this much in so long.

His heart gives a little tug as he cleans Mable’s paws and she looks mightily confused. “Thanks, Buck,” he whispers.

And so time passes that way.

Things aren’t okay for Steve, because they can never be okay, but at least he’s trying a little more.

He starts helping Nat with her team of the leftover Avengers, trying to keep Earth safe. He doesn’t volunteer for missions, but he helps from the compound, Mable by his side, when Nat needs him or when he feels up to it.

He cooks and eats more regularly—Mable’s mealtimes a reminder that he should be eating too.

He has to get outside everyday, because Mable needs to go outside everyday.

He takes more notice of Nat whenever he’s with her and starts to become aware of when she’s not taking care of herself. It feels important, especially as Clint isn’t around as much lately, going out on missions for her or spending time with Laura. Steve thinks they seem to look after each other more, instead of Nat always looking after him. It feels better that way. It’s how it should be. He has to remember that he’s not the only one struggling.

One day, he even brings a puzzle to the compound that he found in a store in the city, and he and Nat work on it on the days he’s there. Just as before, it helps calm Steve’s mind. It gives him a focus, if only for a little while. It reminds him of when Bucky bought him the _Dumbo_ puzzle, but somehow it’s okay. Because even though it was something he also did with Bucky, he also did puzzles before on his own. It’s less tied up with Bucky than so many other things are.

So he tries. He does the best he can. But he lies a little to his friends about how he really feels, so they won’t worry about him so much. Because even though he loves Mable and she’s helped him in a profound way, there are still bad days, or bad weeks. So Steve tells his friends he’s okay, but every day, inside, there’s still that hollow feeling. He realises that it’ll probably never go. There’s a hole inside him and there always will be without Bucky there.

And time keeps ticking along, inevitable and painful and unstoppable.

The birthdays and anniversaries come by again. He handles them as best he can, Mable by his side.

On day eight-hundred and seven, Steve starts leading the support group. He’s gone almost every week since he started, even though he’s not sure it helps. Some people have fallen away—moved on, Steve supposes. There are new people who still come to the group though. There are some old faces too. His role has changed by leading the group though. He’s there to help, not to wallow himself anymore. He takes Mable with him and he tells the same lies he tells Nat and Clint. He pulls on his best positive face. He pretends that they can move on. He does his best to support people. He fakes it for everyone around him.

But he still talks to Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Merry Christmas for tomorrow! 🌲 Last year I brought you cute fluff and for some reason this year I bring a somewhat sad chapter of a sad fic. But I'm almost sure on the chapter count now so we're getting to the good bits. I said this would be 20k but it's more like 30k now. But anyway, thank you so much for giving this a chance and reading and commenting! 💜


	11. Chapter 11

Steve finally says yes to Nat. After so long of her asking, he agrees to help with her home for children who lost their parents. Even after a couple of years, people still need help, he learns.

He starts off slow. He helps with the admin side of things, via his computer.

Eventually Nat manages to get him to come with her, so he can meet some of the kids in person. He only goes when Clint promises he can stay with Mable. He’s never once left Mable alone and he doesn’t plan to start now, and even though he knows the kids would probably like her, he doesn’t want Mable feeling overwhelmed by them all. So she stays home with Clint when Steve goes with Nat.

He's nervous again around the kids. But many of the kids are older than babies and past the crying stage, so Steve finds himself warming to them, even though he worries that he doesn’t really know how to interact with them.

A five-year-old named Meika seems to take a liking to him though. She’s quiet and sweet, so he does one of the few things he can think of to do, and draws pictures for her. She chooses the subject and he draws it. At the end of the visit, she sticks them to the wall next to her bed.

Nat seems pleased to say the least that Steve offers to visit again, and Steve has to admit that it does help as he goes back again and again, whenever Clint or sometimes Winnie can watch Mable. He likes seeing the kids and helping them with their studies or just playing games or drawing with them. There aren’t enough volunteers to give them all the attention they deserve, but Steve tries his best.

A six-year-old boy named Isaac takes a while to come out of his shell, but soon he always joins Steve and Meika when they play games together. It’s nice to see the smiles on their faces during those times. Mostly he’s amazed at the fact that they still _can_ smile.

Sometimes Steve wonders if he and Bucky would have had kids. They’d never really discussed it. Now he wonders why. He imagines Bucky wouldn’t have thought it safe for kids with Steve off on missions, though of course that would have been too early for them to talk about it anyway, but even after he retired, they hadn’t talked about it. He wishes he knew now.

He thinks about it whenever he sees Morgan too. He knows Bucky would have been an amazing father. He doesn’t know if he would have. But he can picture their little family in his head sometimes. He’s not only lost the things he did have, he realises. He’s lost the things he never got a chance to have. It feels like a whole fresh loss all over again.

Mable helps him through it.

So does talking to Bucky. He tells Bucky about the kids after he visits and how smart they are and how in awe he is at how strong they are, how resilient.

“I need to do better, Buck,” Steve tells the sky, looking up outside in their garden while Mable totters around smelling things. “These kids are doing so well after they lost everything. I have to try to do the same.”

Sometimes he feels ashamed of himself, that everyone else seems to be moving on, but he still feels stuck. He knows Bucky wouldn’t want that. So he resolves to try even harder. He tries to tell himself that Bucky’s proud of him, whenever he manages to smile or when he enjoys himself with the kids or when he enjoys himself playing in the park with Mable.

He pictures Bucky right there, by his side.

He pictures Bucky cheering him on.

****

“Meika adores you,” Nat comments.

They’re on their way to get lunch together in the city after Steve spent the morning volunteering, while Nat did all the hard work behind the scenes.

“She’s a sweet kid. Anyone asked about adopting her yet?” he asks. He hopes so badly that Meika finds a family to take care of her. She’s such a resilient little girl, and beyond sweet. She deserves a loving home.

“Not yet, but I’m sure it’ll happen,” Nat replies confidently. “Did you ever think about having kids?” she asks, in her sometimes blunt Nat way.

Steve just shrugs a little. “Not really.” He’s tried to push those thoughts out of his mind lately.

“You could you know,” Nat comments. “I would approve you in a second.”

Steve turns his head to look at her in disbelief. “You can’t be serious.” He’s a mess. There’s no way he could look after a child. And he wouldn’t want to do it on his own. He couldn’t do it without Bucky.

Nat glances at him. She looks a little sad. “It was just a thought.”

“I like volunteering, but I’m not a parent.” He’s about to say more, when he realises what street he’s on.

It’s the same street that he met Bucky. The same place where his future husband slipped and fell into his life and everything changed.

He wants to break. He wants to fall to his knees on the sidewalk and touch it as if there’s some lingering trace of Bucky there. He sees it clear as day in his mind anyway.

_Steve’s scanning the buildings as he walks, looking for somewhere nice to eat. It’s the first time he’s ventured out like this since moving back to Brooklyn._

_It took a long time for him to feel ready to come back. It turns out a lot is so different that it doesn’t really feel all that much like coming home. It’s taken him a while to come to terms with that, but now he’s trying to make his place his own and trying to make Brooklyn feel like home again, even though everyone he loved is no longer there._

_He’s used to the busyness of the streets, so he easily moves aside when someone hurries by him._

_That someone just happens to be gorgeous._

_Steve’s always liked both men and women. Bisexual, he read—that’s what it’s called these days. He just hasn’t had a feeling like this since he came out of the ice. He’s entranced by the man’s beauty, from his chiselled jawline to his pouty pink lips, even as he gets a fleeting glimpse._

_His feet follow after him, seemingly of their own accord._

_The gorgeous man is hurrying along, pretty dark hair blowing all around, looking chilly in the cold weather, that doesn’t really bother Steve seeing as he runs hotter than a normal person should._

_Steve considers what he could say to the man. He wonders if it’s a done thing to just stop someone on the street though. And this man is clearly in a hurry, so he probably doesn’t want to be bothered._

_Steve’s heart sort of sinks. It was a dumb idea anyway. The guy will probably recognise him as soon as he says hi and it’ll become a whole embarrassing thing, and if he did want anything to do with him, it would be because he’s Captain America and not because he’s Steve._

_Steve knows that. People stop him all the time for pictures and autographs. They’re always disappointed to find he doesn’t just carry his shield around with him._

_It would have been nice though, Steve thinks, staring at the guy’s sneakers as he hurries along in front of him. To be able to meet someone. It’s been so long. But that’s just a stupid thought. He’s got a mission. He doesn’t get to have a personal life too._

_He’s not paying attention when the beautiful guy suddenly slips and topples backwards into him._

_For all his skills and strength, he finds himself flattened on the ice-cold sidewalk. The beautiful man is lying on top of him._

The beautiful man is lying on top of him.

_Steve wants to laugh out loud. He realises he doesn’t care about anything he was just thinking. He’s going to talk to this man at least. Things don’t just land in your lap like that…_

“This place okay?” Nat asks.

Steve blinks. They’re standing in front of a small café. It’s not the one he and Bucky went to. That place closed after the snap. He checked.

He nods at Nat. “Fine.”

They head inside.

Steve gets a black coffee. No syrups and things.

****

Steve’s life continues that way. There are brief moments when he’s with the kids or Mable, where he’s distracting himself enough that he feels like he’s doing okay. It feels like a miracle considering he never thought he’d be okay again.

But okay still isn’t happy. Steve knows that’s gone for him.

Other moments, things still hit him like a thunderbolt to the chest. Little reminders, memory slips…

He gets better at dealing with them. Tries to focus on the present and focus less on the loss.

Some weeks, the okay outweighs the bad. Some weeks it doesn’t. Sometimes the wedding ring he still wears weighs a hundred tonnes. Other times, it’s just a part of him.

He takes each day as it comes, never thinking about the future, never making plans too far ahead. Just each day, one at a time.

The hollow feeling remains.

But life keeps moving.

Steve doesn’t remember when it happened. One day he notices, he stopped counting the days. He works it out in his head again, what day it is. Another few weeks pass and he stops counting again.

This time, he doesn’t notice.

He doesn’t notice that he starts speaking to Bucky less and less. He wakes with the emptiness every day, but he doesn’t tell Bucky about his day anymore.

It happens slowly, too slow to register. But it happens.

After almost three years, Steve stops talking to Bucky.

****

It’s funny the way things happen.

It’s funny how it happens to be that Steve is at the compound that day, visiting Nat with Mable. It’s funny how he happens to be having an okay day, as far as he ever does, and how Nat isn’t doing so well.

Steve hardly ever sees her break down. But today seems to be a tough day for her. He does his best to comfort her. He’s not very good at it. He has no idea how to really.

He also has no idea that it’s the day that will change his life.

_“Hi, uh, is anyone home? This is Scott Lang. We met a few years ago…”_

Steve startles as he looks at the screen. His heart starts pounding in disbelief.

“Is this an old message?” he asks Nat, unwilling to let himself believe.

“It’s the front gate,” she replies, hope and amazement in her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Added the chapter count 😭 Almost there.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've missed Bucky...

The next few days pass in a blur. Steve wishes he could tamper down the hope he’s feeling but he just can’t. He never thought he’d feel hope again. He thought it was lost. He thought there was no way. And nothing feels real, yet Steve has to believe it.

They find Bruce, who’s somehow made himself part Bruce and part Hulk, and they somehow get Tony on board, and they figure it out. Steve can hardly believe it’s true. They think they have a real way to travel through time.

Steve volunteers to test it. If it doesn’t work…well, he has the least to lose. If it doesn’t work, he doesn’t know if he can pick himself up again if hope is lost again.

He takes Mable to stay with Pepper, who thoughtfully volunteered to look after her, seeing as Morgan loves her. Plus Pepper is just very kind. She doesn’t even comment when Steve gets tears in his eyes as he says goodbye to Mable. He hopes it all goes to plan. He can’t really stand the idea of leaving Mable, but he has to. He knows Pepper and Tony will take good care of her if something happens to him.

“I love you, Mable,” he whispers to her on the porch of the lake-house, wrapping his arms round her. “I’m gonna bring your other daddy back, okay? Everything will be fine.” He sniffs a little and pulls back to rub Mable’s face, stroking her floppy ears. Then he nods to Pepper in thanks and forces himself to walk to his bike.

Mable barks at him as he goes and he takes a deep breath as he gives her a little wave, trying to smile. Pepper holds onto her leash as Steve gets on his bike.

He knows she’ll be fine, but it’s harder than he thought it would be, to leave her behind. He has to remind himself that this will work and it’ll all be worth it when he brings Bucky home. Because suddenly that’s a possibility. He might be able to get Bucky back. He has to not think about it too much. It’s too overwhelming a thought. He needs to just focus on each task as it comes.

Back at the compound, Steve suits up and Bruce tells him he’ll send him back a few years to test it. Nat looks concerned, but Steve just nods. He’s ready.

Bruce counts down from three.

Steve doesn’t hear the last number. There’s a whoosh of noise and colour and then he’s blinking as he finds himself looking at a very familiar place.

The farmhouse.

The sun is glaring down warmly. Steve presses a button to let his helmet retract and then he looks around. He hears the cluck of chickens and he finds himself walking towards the barn, breaking into a jog as he gets nearer.

A little smile appears on his face as he sees Sam-chicken and Scott-chicken are there. They both disappeared in the snap. It takes a minute for Steve to realise…

That means it worked.

_It worked_.

He’s travelled back in time. It can’t be more than four years in the past, because they didn’t have the chickens before then. Then he realises again, with a bolt of shock and awe and pure longing...That means Bucky is here. He could be in the house right now.

Steve’s whole chest seems to squeeze in on itself. He can’t believe it. He runs from the barn, heading for the house, pure adrenalin and hope rushing through him.

He gets to the closed front door and yanks it open with a loud bang as it hits the inside wall.

“ _Stevie?_ ”

Steve stops dead. He thinks he might stop breathing. Because it’s Bucky’s voice, calling out to him from upstairs. He can’t seem to process it. He hasn’t heard his real voice in so long, it brings tears to his eyes. He steps towards to the stairs, unable to believe that in a moment he’ll be looking at Bucky in the flesh and then…

Then he’s back at the compound, head spinning, Bruce beaming at him, the others looking at him expectantly.

“No,” he utters. He was so close…

“Send me back!” he demands as he gets a hold of himself. “Goddammit, send me back right now!” He stumbles from the platform, emotions all over the place.

“Steve, what happened?” Nat asks gently, getting in his way as he tries to march over to Bruce, intent on getting him to push whatever button he needs to, to send him back again.

Steve pauses, distraught. “I…I was there…home,” he chokes out. “Bucky…I heard him. He was upstairs, I almost saw him and then you brought me back here,” he almost growls the last part. “I need to go back,” he orders, lost in his own head, glaring at Bruce.

“Steve, we’ve only got a few Pym particles, you know that. We only had one test,” Bruce reminds him gently.

Steve feels himself deflate. Of course they do. He knows that. He just…he can’t believe he was so close to seeing Bucky again.

“It’s okay,” Tony reminds him from where he’s looking at the display. “It worked. That means we have another chance.”

Steve realises he’s right. As much as he wants to go back and see Bucky right now, he’s missed the point. They can really do this. The tech works. They have the chance to bring everyone back. He feels relief flood him, even as he still replays Bucky’s voice in his head.

“So, let’s get this done,” Tony states, looking over at them all, as Nat squeezes Steve’s shoulder in comfort. “I got better places to be than here.”

Steve will never be able to tell Tony how grateful he is. He knows how much he’s risking, how happy he is with Pepper and Morgan. But he’s willing to try, so they can get everyone back. Steve’s never been more grateful.

They start planning.

It takes time. Steve feels restless and anxious, but he knows the planning is important. It has to be foolproof. Steve is determined to do whatever it takes.

And Steve is certain. This time they won’t fail. This is the only chance they’ve had in three years and he knows this time they’ll get the stones and get everyone back or die trying. There is no if about it. There are no second chances or do-overs after this.

It's the fight of their lives.

****

“Alright, we all have our assignments. Two stones uptown, one stone, down. Stay low. Keep an eye on the clock.”

Steve sends the others on their way. He starts heading towards the tower and then realises. They really made it. He’s in twenty-twelve. He’s in a time where Bucky is still alive. And he’s near.

About to lose his arm.

Steve doesn’t know how he never thought of this before. He was so focused on the plan that he didn’t stop to think. Or maybe he didn’t want to let himself, because he knew what would happen if he did.

He can’t jeopardise the mission. He can’t risk everything just to see Bucky this once.

But still, he checks his watch.

He has time, he realises. He can get there and still complete the mission. And knowing that, he just can’t _not_. The chance to see him again…it’s too much. If they do fail, it might be the only time he’ll ever see him again.

So he has to.

Steve runs. He takes out Chitauri where he needs to, but he doesn’t stop. He’d been near Grand Central…

Steve makes it there, probably in record time. Tony from this time is flying overhead, blasting at one of the big ones. Steve scans the area, looking fervently around. He would be out on the street, not having taken cover yet. The attack was only just getting going. He keeps moving, eyes darting all around as he moves. He has no idea which area he might be in or how close to Grand Central he was.

He doesn’t have much time.

He’s starting to panic a little, realising this is maybe becoming a needle in a haystack situation, when something in him makes him look to his left and then Steve feels like all the oxygen in the world disappears, because _he’s there_.

Oh god, he’s there.

Bucky.

Steve stands frozen, staring at him. It’s been three years. Three nightmare, hellish years, without seeing his face in the flesh. Three years of agony, of wishing, of praying. Three years of learning to live without him. Three years of not really succeeding.

Steve can’t believe this is really happening.

Bucky looks incredible. It’s like staring into the sun, Steve can’t handle it. His hair is short, like it never was when they were together, and he’s wearing a suit, and Steve remembers, Bucky had told him he’d been going to a job interview that day. Bucky’s glancing around, like he’s trying to figure out somewhere to take cover as he looks up at what’s going on overhead.

There’s a sudden terrible cracking noise and Steve gets pulled from his stupor to see Tony’s just shot one of those things and both his blast and the creature have hit into the building and the bricks are coming down fast.

Steve moves faster than he’s ever moved in his life, raising his shield as Bucky looks up just as the rubble is about to crush him.

Only it doesn’t. It thunders against Steve’s shield, a colossal weight bearing down, but Steve stays strong, shield raised over both of them, tucking Bucky in under him, other arm wrapped protectively around him as they crouch under the seemingly endless falling debris.

It finally stops and Steve is able to pull himself and Bucky up, pushing his way out of the wreckage, while passers-by look shocked.

They’re finally face to face and Steve can’t even believe it. Bucky’s here in front of him. He’s really real. He’s more beautiful than in Steve’s memories, as though his brain couldn’t hold on to that beauty. He’s here and he’s alive.

“Jesus,” Bucky says, looking around in disbelief. “I think you just saved my life.”

Steve’s heart stutters as he watches Bucky’s lips move and his perfect voice comes out of them and reaches Steve’s ears. He takes a ragged breath because it’s just too much.

“Oh, hey, are you okay?” Bucky asks worriedly, reaching out before seemingly thinking better of it and moving his hand back.

“You’re okay,” Steve chokes out, meeting Bucky’s eyes, unable to process that Bucky’s staring back at him in concern. Those gray-blue perfect eyes are staring at him again, hypnotising him.

“Yeah, thanks to you,” Bucky grins sheepishly.

There’s a loud noise that jolts Steve again and he looks up in worry, ushering Bucky under a building’s foyer, somewhere hopefully a little safer, and then he realises he’s touching Bucky and he can’t stop himself. He wraps his arms around Bucky, pressing his face into his neck and his now dusty hair. The dust doesn’t matter. All that matters is Bucky’s okay.

He’s okay and he has both his arms. Bucky’s hands are awkwardly patting Steve lightly on his back. “Um, okay. I’m glad you’re happy you saved me?” he says, sounding unsure.

“You’re okay,” Steve mumbles into his neck. He can smell the dust and rubble, but he can also just under it, just barely, smell a small hint of Bucky, and it chokes him more than the dust does. It’s unbelievable how much he’s missed him and how incredible it feels to be holding him. His whole body is alight.

“Yeah, promise,” Bucky replies, with a little chuckle, trying to pull away, but Steve holds him just a little longer, before finally letting go. It takes all his strength to do so, but his eyes are dying to see Bucky’s face again.

He stares into Bucky’s eyes, wishing so much that this was _his_ Bucky—his husband, his everything—wishing to see that recognition and love in his eyes. “I’m going to save you, I promise,” he tells him, knowing it won’t make sense, but he has to tell him, has to know that a Bucky out there somewhere knows.

“You just did save me?” Bucky replies, with a bemused smile. “Are you okay, Captain?” He looks worried. “Did any of that rubble hit you?”

Steve chuckles lightly at that. He knows to this Bucky he’s acting strangely, and Bucky now seems to think he got conked on the head or something, but it doesn’t matter. Bucky’s still looking at him with worry in his eyes and Steve is basking in it.

“Do you need me to call someone, Captain?” Bucky asks, more worry clearly setting in. “Or maybe help you to a hospital or something?”

God, he’s always so sweet. Steve adores him with every fibre of his being.

He knows he’s just smiling at Bucky now in awe. He shakes his head, trying to pull himself together. He needs to go. He knows he does. He’s running out of time now. But he can’t help himself. “Call me Steve,” he tells Bucky.

And then he leans in and kisses him, just lightly and gently because he can’t _not_.

He pulls away with tears in his eyes, as Bucky stands frozen, possibly in shock. “I’ll be seeing you,” he tells Bucky, and then, with the feeling of Bucky’s lips on his, and feeling like he’s been brought back to life, and with every bit of strength he has left in him, he turns and runs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Added an extra chapter, oops. Still, almost there.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little warning for canon death right at the beginning of this chapter.

Nat is gone.

She’s gone.

No matter how many times Steve thinks it, it doesn’t sound true.

She can’t be.

She’s been the only constant in his life since he woke up, one he didn’t realise at first that he needed, and someone he grew to love. And she sacrificed everything for them. So they can get everyone back.

They don’t even have time to mourn. Steve feels like time is moving around him. They have all the stones. They have to get it done now.

For Nat.

Bruce is going to put the gauntlet on.

Another sacrifice. They don’t know if it’ll kill him.

All his friends are heroes, Steve realises. He knew that, but he feels like he never knew just how deep it goes. They are all willing to risk everything if it means helping the world.

Because it’s not just about Bucky. Even for Steve. He wants everyone back. Wants to reunite children with parents and brothers and sisters and friends together. He wants to see Wanda and Sam, and bring back Becca and George for Winnie. He wants Meika’s parents to be there and Issac’s and all the other children from Nat’s orphanage to be reunited. He wants back all the other heroes he knows who perished.

That’s why Nat sacrificed her life for this. That’s why Bruce is about to do something incredibly dangerous that might kill him. That’s why Steve has to let him.

Bruce puts on the gauntlet.

He screams as lights travel down his arm, but he tells them he can do this.

He snaps his fingers.

****

There’s no time to confirm if it worked.

Scott says he thinks it did and then the compound explodes.

Steve fights his way out of the wreckage.

Everything they’ve worked for comes down to this, as Steve finds himself on another battlefield. He wishes more than anything that he could confirm that Bucky is okay, but he has to focus. Even if it worked, Thanos is here, and he could still end it all.

When Steve fights, he pictures Bucky. He’s fighting for him always.

Then Tony goes down. And then Thor.

Thanos hacks into Steve’s shield and he takes the hardest hit of his life, thrown into the rubble.

Every inch of him hurts like never before. He coughs up blood.

But he can’t let this be over. He can’t fail.

_…you always stand up_.

He gathers all the strength he has left. He pulls himself up from the ground, struggling against the pain. His hands are shaking. But he yanks on his strap, securing his shield to his arm once more.

Everything somehow feels silent.

The biggest army he’s ever seen is moving towards him.

He stands against them, alone. Except, in his head, he can hear Bucky. Knows Bucky would be telling him what a brave and stupid idiot he is. Knows how he’s moments away from dying.

But it’s okay.

They’ve failed. No one’s come back. And Steve never intended on coming back from this if they failed.

He says a silent prayer to Bucky, telling him he’ll see him soon. At least he got to see him, hold him—a version of him at least—one last time. He makes his peace with it.

Then there’s a crackle of static.

“ _On your left._ ”

****

In the end, it’s Wanda and Carol who do it.

They bring Thanos to his knees, keeping him down and away from the stones.

Steve’s never seen anything like their strength and power.

Tony has the gauntlet across the field and he gives Steve this _look_ as he takes in the huge army surrounding them all.

Steve knows what that look means. He runs. “Don’t you dare!” he calls out as he tries to fight his way through the army between them. He refuses to let Tony sacrifice himself. He won’t let him.

Tony’s lifting the thing as if to put it on.

And then a fist flies at him out of nowhere and Tony’s knocked off his feet, the gauntlet flying to the floor.

Steve takes a hit too, but gets up quickly, and when he’s up again he sees who hit Tony.

Thor.

He’s lifting the gauntlet.

“Thor, no!” Steve yells out, but there are too many creatures between them that he can’t get through quickly enough.

He doesn’t make it in time.

Thor puts it on and bellows in pain as the thing sends sparks up his arm.

At the same time, Steve sees Nebula approach Thanos, where Carol and Wanda have him on his knees, unable to move. “Goodbye, father,” she utters, and then she cuts off his head.

Thor snaps his fingers.

Steve freezes in shock.

It’s like the world goes still for a moment.

And then Steve looks around.

Thanos is dead. The creatures around him start crumbling to dust and Steve realises what Thor’s done.

He stumbles forward as he sees Tony getting up and they both find Thor lying on the ground.

“Jesus,” Tony breathes out. The gauntlet looks like it’s almost melted onto his arm.

“Is he…?” Steve can’t bring himself to say it.

Then they both jerk back in shock as Thor’s eyes snap open. “I am hurt,” he mumbles.

“Thor!” Steve can’t believe it. “Are you okay?”

“As well as to be expected I suppose,” Thor comments, eyes wide. “Can someone get Banner?” he huffs a little in pain.

And Steve can’t help it. Thor’s hurt but he’s alive. Steve dissolves into relieved laughter, dropping back onto the ground in exhaustion.

And then he realises.

They won. They really did it.

They brought everyone back and stopped Thanos.

Steve’s heart pounds in his chest as he looks around. And then he gets the shock of his life as one of those portals opens and out steps Wong, Clint and then…

Natasha.

“What…” Steve can’t believe it.

“It worked,” Bruce looks incredulous as he rushes up. “I…when I snapped, I tried to bring you back,” he says in wonder as he approaches Nat and grabs her in a hug.

Nat smiles, squeezing around him as far as she can reach. “Yeah, well, at least Clint had the forethought to think I might be sitting on Vormir waiting to be picked up,” she jokes.

Clint looks like he’s been crying. “I had to try,” he sniffs, face breaking into a smile.

“Nat,” Steve breathes out, grabbing her in a hug once Bruce has let go.

She pats him on the back. “I’m okay, Rogers, really.”

“I can’t believe it,” Steve mumbles into her hair. “What you did…”

“I’d do it again too,” Nat tells him firmly. “Now don’t you have somewhere you ought to be?”

Steve suddenly realises all over again. It worked. It really worked. His heart feels a little like it might explode. He pulls back and looks at her in awe, before looking over at Thor, who’s still on the ground.

“It’s okay, we’ll take care of him,” Tony promises.

“Yes, go, Steven, go. I’m totally fine,” Thor says, trying to sit up and then falling backwards.

Steve frowns at him. He can’t leave Thor like this. “No, I…”

“Strange?” Tony yells out. “Oh Doctor?”

Doctor Strange floats over to them, looking a little exasperated as he always does with Tony.

“Be a doll and send Steve home would you?” Tony grins as Bruce starts checking Thor over.

Strange sighs as Tony tells him where and then swirls his hands and a portal opens.

Steve hesitates for a moment more, looking around. “No, wait, I can’t, I…” He trails off as he sees his friends approaching. He grabs Wanda in a hug and then Sam. He’s so relieved to see them. “Are you guys okay?”

Wanda smiles softly and understandingly at him. “We’re fine. We’ll catch up later.”

Sam nods at him, the same expression on his face. “Go.”

Steve hesitates a moment more before he meets Nat’s eyes.

“Go,” she smiles. “Say hi for me.”

Steve gazes back, unable to articulate how grateful he is to everyone, his heart full of love for them all.

Then, heart pounding in his chest, he steps through the portal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haysend requested a happy version of Endgame so I figured why not? 
> 
> Next chapter is probably the one you've been waiting for 😍


	14. Chapter 14

Steve bursts into their house. The door is still broken from when he did that the last time.

It’s so strange. Everything looks the same as they left it, but he hasn’t been back in years. He couldn’t bring himself to.

He pauses for only a second, listening for any sounds, before heading for the kitchen.

If people came back right where they left…Bucky should be there, at the kitchen sink. Logically, Steve knows it has probably been over an hour since the reverse snap, but Bucky must be there somewhere in the house. His heart still somehow breaks as he turns the corner to find no one there.

“Bucky?” he speaks softly. It’s like he can’t get his voice any louder. He can’t stop imagining if something went wrong, if somehow Bucky didn’t come back. If somehow it worked for everyone else but him.

He listens but he can’t hear any sounds of movement in the house.

Still, he works his way through the whole house, needing to steel himself before every room he enters, but there’s no one there.

He pauses in their living room, feeling lost and scared. Then he swallows and tries to think clearly.

 _The main farmhouse_. Maybe Bucky went there for some reason? Maybe to look for Clint or Wanda?

Steve heads back out the door, striding across the field. But then there’s sudden movement out the corner of his eye, from the barn, and he stops, turning his head, and then his heart falls out his chest.

Bucky is standing there.

He’s there, just in the doorway of the barn, his eyes finding Steve just as Steve sees him.

They really did it. Bucky is really there.

Steve can’t even begin to process it. He’s not just a version of Bucky, or a Bucky from the past. He’s Steve’s Bucky, his husband, the man he loves, the man he’s been without for three years and he’s standing right there.

They’re too far away from each other for Steve to see every detail of his face, but Steve still feels a shock of disbelief as he stares at him. It doesn’t feel real. It’s been so long without him. He can’t believe that he’s looking at his Bucky. He can’t.

His eyes drink him in, taking in every detail—how Bucky’s hair is down, looking darker at this distance, how he’s wearing his dark jeans with the rips, the ones he wears around the farm to do work in, and one of Steve’s blue sweaters. How his fingers peek out from under it, one hand flesh, one hand metal, how he’s the most miraculous thing Steve has ever seen.

“Steve?” Bucky speaks, and Steve’s heart lurches so much, he feels like he might throw up. Somehow he doesn’t, probably seeing as he’s frozen to the spot.

“When did you get here?” Bucky asks, voice confused and anxious, then he turns his head back to the barn. “The barn was open, and I can’t find Sam and Scott?” he comments, clearly worried.

Steve lets out a choked noise that might be laughter, finally unfreezing. It’s the first thing Bucky’s said to him in three years and he’s asking about the damn chickens. Steve can’t even believe it. Of course he is.

Bucky looks back at him, concern on his face. “I…something weird is going on. Things in the house…the Christmas tree is gone and…and pictures…” he trails off.

Steve suddenly realises that Bucky has no idea what happened to him, to everyone. Maybe he just reappeared right where he left and has no idea, except the house is missing a few items and is probably a lot dustier.

Steve has no idea how to tell him. How does he even begin to explain this to him? And how can he right now, when all he can think about is holding Bucky in his arms again and he can’t even seem to form words.

“Steve?” Bucky says again, fear leeching into his voice now as he steps forward.

Steve’s legs finally move like he’s been willing them to.

He stumbles into a run, reaching Bucky and wrapping his arms around him.

Steve will never have the words to describe the feeling, though he knows he’ll remember it for the rest of his life. It’s like his body can’t understand, can’t comprehend, that he’s holding Bucky—the real Bucky, his Bucky—again. He’s shaking against Bucky as he presses his face against Bucky’s hair, hand getting tangled up in it as he cradles his head and he feels that Bucky’s real—flesh and blood real, in his arms. It’s not a dream like it always was so many times before. It’s really happening. He can smell that perfect Bucky smell and it practically shorts out his brain, it’s so intense, making everything more real. Steve breathes him in, trembling.

Bucky tries to pull back, but Steve refuses to let him. He can’t let go of him yet, he just can’t. He feels like Bucky will disappear again the minute he does. He has to remind himself not to crush Bucky too much, his strength forgotten for a moment.

Bucky’s rubbing his back gently with one hand. “Steve? What’s going on? You’re scaring me.”

Tears fall from Steve’s eyes at the sound of his voice so close up and hearing his name fall from Bucky’s lips. “Oh god, please keep talking,” he whispers, still holding Bucky close and running his hands over every part of him that he can, memorising his body again, as though he could have ever forgotten.

Bucky makes a little noise and then he’s pushing against Steve’s hold harder this time. “What the hell is going on?”

He manages to pull his head away and then Steve’s taking in every inch of his face, hands moving to grasp it as he stares at him in disbelief, thumbs on Bucky’s cheekbones, feeling his soft skin under his hands, taking in that those perfect eyes are looking into his again.

Bucky’s frowning back at him and then he covers Steve’s hands with his own and pulls back, stepping away as he manages to get Steve’s hands away from his face.

Steve instantly steps forward, needing to touch him again, but Bucky backs away.

“Stop it,” Bucky says, voice shuddering. “I…I don’t know what’s going on, but you’re acting really weird and it’s freaking me out.”

Steve shakes his head rapidly, still lost in amazement. “No, Buck, no, it’s okay. I just…please let me hold you,” he almost begs. He knows he needs to explain, but he still can’t really think of anything except holding Bucky again. Now he’s done it once, he needs to do it again. Or forever. His gaze flits to Bucky’s lips. Oh god, he could kiss him.

He tries to reach for him but Bucky backs away even further.

“Who are you?” he asks, eyes narrowed.

“What?” That makes Steve pause, the question so confusing and out of nowhere.

Bucky holds his metal hand up like a warning, keeping it between them. “You’re not Steve. You…you look different,” he says, voice trembling.

Finally Steve’s brain kicks into gear. He’s scaring his husband. He’s terrifying him in fact.

He puts his hands up as a sign of surrender. “Sweetheart, it’s me, I promise.” He lets out a breath. “Oh god…I didn’t mean to scare you. I just...god, I’m so happy to see you.”

“B-but you only left yesterday,” Bucky says, but he doesn’t sound sure himself.

Steve braces himself. “I…Buck, it’s…it’s been three years,” he finally says, voice barely a whisper, heart breaking for his husband.

Bucky lets out a choked laugh. “Now I know you’re not Steve. Steve was here yesterday, with his beard I might add. So I don’t know who the hell you are, if you’re some alien shapeshifter or got some face changing tech, but you’re doing a piss poor job, let me tell you!” he almost yells back. “Where the hell is Steve?”

Oh god, this is all wrong. Bucky should be in his arms. Steve never imagined this. He drops to his knees on the grass, wanting to show he’s no threat, more tears on his face as he looks up at Bucky.

“Bucky, I’m not…it’s me, I promise you. When I left that day…” He takes a breath, to try to prepare himself to explain. “Thanos won. He beat us. He used the stones to destroy half the population of the universe.”

Bucky’s standing there, frowning at him still, but he looks uncertain now.

“Buck, you were gone,” Steve finally manages, his voice getting choked up, thinking of the last three years. “You’ve been gone.” He wipes at his face.

“I…no,” Bucky says, eyes wide now, looking like he’s trying to comprehend what Steve’s telling him.

“I tried to get you back,” Steve promises. “The rest of us who were left tried, but we couldn’t.” His voice breaks a little. “Not until today. We finally managed it. We brought everyone back.” He’ll never forgive himself that it took this long. He never should have stopped looking for a way, even when everyone told him there wasn’t one. He should have tried harder.

Bucky wraps his arms around himself and shakes his head. “No. Y-you’re not Steve and you’re lying right now. You expect me to believe that?”

But Steve can tell he does believe it. His voice is shuddering and he has tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Buck,” he whispers. “I’m sorry but it’s true.”

Bucky shakes his head again, looking away, looking at their surroundings. “No, it’s not,” he chokes out. “I…you said three years, I can’t…that’s just not possible.”

There are tears running down his face now and all Steve wants to do is take the pain away, but he knows there’s no way he can. And he can’t go over to comfort him, not while Bucky doesn’t want him close. It takes every bit of strength he has to keep himself there while Bucky falls apart.

“I…” Bucky shakes his head as he looks back at Steve. “What did you get me for our first Christmas?” he asks suddenly.

Testing him, Steve realises. He looks at him sadly. “I got you a snow globe of New York City.”

Bucky’s breath hitches.

“I had four scoops of ice cream on our second date,” Steve continues. “I was an idiot and ran away when you told me about your arm, before you knew who I was. We danced in my living room on our first Valentine’s.”

Bucky looks broken as he listens to Steve. He swallows hard and takes a breath. “To what,” he says softly. “What did we dance to?”

“Nat King Cole, _Love is the Thing_ ,” Steve answers instantly. “Sometimes we listen to it while we’re curled up on the couch in the house, and sometimes you still drag me up to dance,” he says wistfully.

Bucky’s whole body is shuddering now as he stares at Steve. “T-three ye…” He can’t even get the words out.

Steve is on his feet and over to him in a second as Bucky collapses against him, crying hard, devastated noises coming out of him, as Steve holds him tight.

“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs over and over again as he squeezes Bucky. “I’m so, so sorry.”  
  
Steve cries with him, grieving for the time Bucky lost, and for what he lost, but his emotions are all in conflict because most of him is just elated. Because this is all real. Bucky is here with him again, like he was always supposed to be, like they were never meant to be apart. And it’s painful and amazing and unbelievable, but it’s real.

Bucky is alive.

****

Bucky eventually lets Steve take him back into the house, pulling away when the shock seems to settle at least a little. He allows a hand on his elbow to steady him, but he doesn’t seem to want any other contact right then. Steve tries to not take it personally and tries to read how Bucky’s feeling and what he needs. He’ll give Bucky anything he needs.

Bucky gazes around at their living room quietly, probably taking in the missing pictures that Steve took from the house, or how still and unlived in everything feels now. It’s like the soul of the house is gone. Steve supposes it was. Without Bucky, it was just an empty shell. Just like he was.

Steve guides Bucky to sit on the couch and he perches on their coffee table opposite, as Bucky runs his hands over the green fabric.

“I…so I was gone,” Bucky starts slowly, still looking at the cushions. “For three years?” he asks again, glancing over at Steve.

Steve nods gently. God, all this time he’d only thought of getting to have Bucky back and he’d never once thought about how it would feel for Bucky, to know what had happened to him.

“Di-did we go back in time then?” Bucky asks hesitantly, every part of his face looking unsure.

Steve shakes his head. “I mean,” he amends, “I did, but now we’re three years on. Our reverse snap brought everyone who was lost back into the current time.”

Bucky nods slowly, as though that makes sense. Steve doesn’t know how it could.

“Wh-what about everyone else?” he asks suddenly. “Did they all come back, what about my family, and Sam and Logan and your friends and everyone?” he says, panicked. “Were they gone?”

Steve reaches for his hand but Bucky wraps his arms around himself. Steve tries hard not to take it as a rejection. He understands how confused and lost Bucky must be feeling right now. “We…we should talk about that later,” Steve tries to reassure him at the panic on Bucky’s face. “Your family…your mother was the only one left,” he adds softly. “But your father and Becca, they’ll have come back, just like you have.”

Bucky’s on his feet already, up like a fire was just lit beneath him. “We need to call them.” He gazes round the room looking for a phone, moving around a little erratically, before he suddenly stills.

“You were without me for three years,” he suddenly blurts, his back to Steve.

Steve takes a shuddering breath at the statement. “Yes,” he replies simply. He can’t really believe it was only three years. _Only_. He almost laughs in his head. But it somehow felt like a lifetime without Bucky. Steve can’t believe he has him back. He’s still barely taking in that this isn’t just a dream.

Bucky turns to look at him, eyes wide with despair. “I…Steve, oh god…” He takes a choked breath in. It’s like that’s only just sunk in, what that means. There’s a minute of silence where Bucky just stares at him, looking lost and like he’s figuring something out in his head.

Steve doesn’t want to overwhelm him even more, so he stays quiet, letting Bucky process, giving him time.

“Did you…” Bucky finally chokes out, not finishing his sentence. He can’t seem to say what he’s trying to say, as he looks away, eyes devastated.

“What is it, Buck?” Steve pushes gently, getting to his feet, but leaving space between them. “You can ask me anything,” he promises. “Anything at all.”

Bucky looks like his heart is breaking. “Did you…move on,” he finally says, the words so quiet, only Steve’s serum-enhanced hearing means he can make them out.

Steve’s heart near falls to the floor. “Oh god, Buck,” he murmurs, shaking his head, pain welling up inside him that Bucky would ever have to think that. “I…people kept telling me to, telling me I would eventually, but I just…I couldn’t. I didn’t. I didn’t know how,” he promises him, staring into his eyes.

Bucky looks overwhelmed, tearful and hopeful all at once.

“I tried so hard to live without you,” Steve admits, tears falling again. “But it was so hard, Buck, so, so hard.” He wipes a hand across his face. “You’re my husband,” he continues, hardly able to believe that it’s true—that his husband is standing right in front of him. “You’re the love of my life and without you…” He pauses and swallows hard around the lump in his throat. “I…I couldn’t stop. I could never stop loving you or move on. I never wanted to. I learned to exist, but that…that’s all I could do.”

Bucky’s tears spill over again. “You…you…three years?” The words come out disjointed, his hand going to his mouth, face in pain. “And you were alone?” He shakes his head in disbelief, more tears falling. “Stevie,” he breathes out, sounding incredibly sad for him.

Steve’s always hated when Bucky cries. It’s like it burns into his soul, to see Bucky so upset, like a physical pain. “Oh god, Buck, please…” he implores, unable to hold back anymore. “Please can I hold you?” he asks desperately.

Bucky looks a little shocked, like he hadn’t realised until then how he’d been keeping Steve at arm’s length. “Stevie,” he says again, eyes full of compassion and concern now, like his heart is breaking for Steve. And then he’s moving forward suddenly and wrapping his arms around Steve tightly and Steve feels a choked noise tear from his throat as he all but collapses into Bucky’s arms.

Bucky keeps holding him tightly, murmuring soothing words, letting Steve let it all out, while Steve breathes every inch of him in, brain electrifying again at the scent of him, at the softness of his hair and his skin, and the rumble of his voice as he holds Steve close against his chest.

He's really real.

After what feels like forever and nothing at all, Bucky pulls back to look at him, Steve involuntarily letting out a noise of protest because Bucky can’t be letting go of him, not yet. But Bucky moves his hands to stroke Steve’s face, fingers getting wet, and then he leans in and his lips meet Steve’s in a kiss that tastes like their tears.

Steve feels like he comes back to life. He’s been a walking shell for three years—three horrendous, long, hopeless, awful years—but now Bucky’s lips are on his, and they’re soft and warm and so caring and passionate and just so damn familiar—the feel of them memorised long ago—and the kiss quickly becomes desperate on both sides, as they cling to each other and pour every ounce of their grief and loss into it.

“Bucky, oh god, Bucky,” Steve murmurs as he presses kiss after endless kiss against Bucky’s lips. “I missed you so much.” It’s the world’s biggest understatement. There aren’t words for how Steve felt, how he ached for Bucky, how hollow he’s been.

Bucky presses kisses against Steve’s cheeks and forehead and jaw and everywhere he seemingly can reach. “I love you, Stevie,” he murmurs, and Steve’s chest clenches hard as he hears the words he never thought he’d hear again.

“Buck,” he sniffs. “I never stopped, I swear it. I love you so much,” Steve chokes out.

Bucky pulls him against his chest again, letting Steve’s head rest on the divot between his shoulder and neck, and he strokes over Steve’s hair soothingly. “It’s okay, baby. You’re okay now. We’re together,” he promises Steve over and over, comforting him in the way only he can, the way no one else can ever achieve.

It feels like he can breathe again. It’s like the last three years, he could never get enough air, everything in his body always feeling tight and compressed. Steve feels like he can finally breathe fully, like he’s opening up again.

And Steve knows they’re okay. Because they’re finally back together. And he’ll never let go of his husband again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter as it's probably the one you've been waiting for! I hope it paid off 🙂
> 
> Just the epilogue left to go 😭 Thank you for sticking with this 💜


	15. Chapter 15

Everything is different now.

Almost nothing in their life is how it used to be and Steve knows Bucky finds it hard, but Steve can’t really feel anything but grateful, because no matter the changes, he has Bucky back.

They have everyone back.

Bucky’s family are okay. Their friends are okay. The Avengers who were once only colleagues to him are now so much more. They’re family. And family means everything to him now.

Bucky feels the same way. It’s why they returned to New York, to the first home they shared. As much as it pained them both to leave behind the farmhouse and all the beautiful memories there, it was also where Steve lost Bucky, and he could never quite look at it the same way anymore.

And Bucky wanted to be close to his friends again and Bucky’s parents even moved so they could be closer to their kids and Bucky’s aunt’s place—family more important than ever to everyone it seems.

Brooklyn just feels better, for both of them. And of course, it’s also where Mable is used to.

Surprising Bucky with Mable has to be one of the best moments of Steve’s life. After everything had settled down, after reunions with friends when Wanda, Sam, Clint and Nat came to pick them up from the house in the quinjet, and reunions with family, after they flew to find Becca and Logan, and finally Winnie and George, and stayed with them for a few days, finally it was time for them to go home.

Tony had dropped Mable back home just before they arrived back at Steve’s request, ready for the surprise…

_Bucky looks lost in thought as he looks at the familiar front door, Steve watching him cautiously._

_“Are you okay?” Steve asks gently. He knows how strange this is, returning to a place left behind. It felt strange when he did it himself._

_Bucky nods and smiles over at him a little. “Just sorta strange to be back here. I’m excited though,” he promises, moving a bag of their stuff from his right hand to his left so he can reach out and squeeze Steve’s fingers._

_Steve squeezes back, revelling in the fact that Bucky’s wedding ring is back on his finger where it belongs, and relishing Bucky’s touch. He can never get enough of touching him. “I actually have a surprise for you,” he admits. At first everything was so crazy, he didn’t get a chance to tell Bucky about Mable, but then he realised he wanted to show him instead of tell him. He knows Bucky will be so happy._

_“Yeah?” Bucky raises a curious eyebrow at him. “You already saved my life, what more could you do?” he jokes fondly._

_Steve tries to smile back at that, but it still hurts to even think about, how only five days ago, Bucky was still gone. “You saved mine, Buck,” he says softly, and Bucky looks at him a little sadly and a bit perplexed. Steve smiles fondly back, trying not to think back too much. “I wasn’t okay,” he admits. “I couldn’t be okay. But then I got your present,” he says, unlocking the door at the same time._

_Bucky looks confused for a second, until there’s a loud bark and Mable barrels out the door excitedly, jumping onto Steve to lick at his face, before realising there’s a new person to smell, and sniffing around Bucky’s legs. She’s always been so good at not jumping on new people, Steve beams a little with pride, so happy to see her again, having missed her this last week._

_Bucky looks down at her, face incredulous. “It’s…Mable…” he utters, tears forming instantly. “You found Mable?” he says in disbelief, reaching down to pet her, while staring over at Steve, face amazed._

_“I did,” Steve beams, also getting teary as he looks at them, before Mable moves back to Steve to sit on his foot and beam up at him backwards. He pets her ears, as Bucky crouches, bags dropped to the floor, so he can stroke Mable’s chest gently._

_“I can’t believe it,” Bucky utters in awe. “How?”_

_“She was still at the shelter when I finally opened your present,” Steve replies. He’ll tell Bucky the whole story later._

_Bucky smiles tearily. “I…I can’t…” He breaks off, looking overwhelmed._

_Mable, ever sensitive to people in distress, helpfully licks his face and Bucky breaks into a happy smile, laughing as he makes a ‘yuck’ face. She shoves her way into his space again and Bucky pets her, laughing at her excitement._

_“Did you take care of him for me, Mable, did you? You good girl, I know you did, sweetie,” Bucky mumbles to her as Steve watches, heart bursting. He glances up Steve and smiles, but his eyes hold a deep sadness. “I’m so glad you had each other,” he says softly. “I was so excited to bring her home.” He sounds happy and sad all at once, obviously thinking back to what’s only a few days for him, but years in reality._

_“She kept me going, Buck,” Steve admits. “I knew I was taking care of her for you, so I had to do a good job, you know? I had to do my best for her because it was for you.” He crouches down as he speaks, so he can pet Mable too, fingers brushing Bucky’s as he does the same._

_“Stevie,” Bucky breathes out his name as a little soft sigh. “Thank you.”_

_Steve feels a little flustered. “You don’t have to thank me, you’re the one who did all this.”_

_“No,” Bucky replies softly, looking at Steve tenderly. “Thank you for not giving up, for being so strong.”_

_Steve swallows, feeling choked up. Of all the things he’s felt the past three years, strong is not one of them. “It was always because of you,” he manages quietly, looking down at the floor. “I talked to you and I pictured you there, watching over us.”_

_Bucky’s eyebrows knit together and he pulls Steve into a tight hug, while Mable presses herself to Steve’s side. “I don’t remember it,” Bucky says delicately. “But I’m sure I was.”_

Steve always feels warm when he thinks about that moment. And now they’re a little family. Him, Bucky and Mable, who already loves Bucky just as much if not more than she loves Steve. Steve doesn’t begrudge her that. He agrees with Mable.

And he was right. Bucky does laugh at them the first time he sees Steve carrying Mable home from the park.

Steve’s happy to be laughed at for the rest of his life. There’s almost nothing as amazing as that sound to him. To hear Bucky laugh again…it’s everything.

And of course Mable is amazing as always and has seemed to help Bucky cope with everything, just as she helped Steve whenever he was low. And Bucky seems to be adjusting well, with the help of family and friends too. It seems like on any given day, there’s always someone dropping by or they’re out to visit people.

People are trying to make sense of the new world the Avengers created. Frankly, the world is a mess and it’s going to take a long time before anything gets back to even some semblance of normal.

Steve does what he can with Nat and the others to help, when he can. Bucky goes with him to the temporary Avengers facility in the city that Tony setup, when he’s not working.

Because Bucky went back to work at Logan’s after a while. Cars still need fixing after all, and Bucky enjoys it and that’s what matters to Steve, no matter how much he misses him during the day.

Because the thing is, Steve is still struggling. He has Bucky back and it’s everything and he’s happier than he ever knew he could be, but he’s also terrified of somehow losing him again—be it some major world threat like Thanos, or even just Bucky walking down the street—Steve sees threats everywhere now.

It’s why he, and Mable of course, walk Bucky to work every day and pick him up at the end of the day. It’s why he checks in with him throughout the day. He can’t help it. He’d worried that it would annoy Bucky, but Bucky just shook his head and kissed him gently and said if that was what Steve needed then that was what they’d do.

Steve will never understand how he got so lucky. Just holding Bucky’s hand as they walk feels like a miracle that he’ll never take for granted. Because these days, he savours every second they have together.

****

Bucky tops up the bath with fresh hot water and lets it flow around him. He’s had a long day and decided to treat himself to a nice bath. He’s constantly coming home with oil and other dirt on him now, so he loves scrubbing himself clean. Plus it’s just relaxing and he could use it after all day working. He loves his job though. He knows he could have waited longer to start working again, knows Steve would have probably preferred it that way, but they both know that him having his job to go to each day has been so helpful in making things feel normal again.

Steve’s downstairs making dinner for them both, and he can hear Mable barking happily, and for a moment Bucky thinks about how lucky he is.

Everything that happened was crazy. It took a long time for him to feel okay again, even though he hadn’t really missed anything and it just felt like a day for him. But to know he’d lost three years…it was a mindfuck. And to know how Steve had suffered for so long and been so strong…it broke Bucky’s heart. He wishes more than anything that he could take that pain away for Steve.

Because he knows it still affects Steve. It’s there in the way Steve texts and calls him more throughout the day, and how he walks him to and from work every day. It’s there in the way Steve’s always taking pictures or videos of them. It’s there in the way Steve likes to always, always be touching Bucky whenever he can, as though he still has to remind himself that he’s real.

Bucky’s sure it will eventually settle. It’s only been two months, after all. He can’t imagine the things Steve had to deal with and is still dealing with.

But god, does Bucky feel loved. Of course Steve always made him feel that way, even early on before they’d even told each other their feelings, but now, it’s like that amped up to a thousand. It’s like Bucky has some sort of glow round him at all times, made up of Steve’s love for him, surrounding him and protecting him.

He loves it. It never feels suffocating. Bucky just reminds himself that Steve lived with the fact that Bucky was gone, as far as he knew, for forever, and he endured three years like that. Bucky can’t imagine what he would have done had it been reversed. So he understands why Steve is a little overprotective now. It’s a miracle that they’re together again, after all.

There’s a little knock at the door and Steve pokes his head round. “Dinner’s gonna be ready soon, are you almost done?” he asks softly, smiling as his eyes find Bucky, a little blush appearing on his cheeks as he looks at him.

Because the thing is, they haven’t really been intimate yet. They kiss and they hold each other constantly, but Steve seems hesitant to do more and Bucky doesn’t want to push. He figures it’s different for Steve. For Bucky, it feels like it always did. He still wants Steve as much as ever. And he knows Steve loves him just as much as he ever did, if not more somehow, but maybe it’s harder, getting back to how things were between them for him. He understands that they need to go at Steve’s pace, however long that takes.

Still, maybe Bucky can at least make sure Steve knows that whenever he’s ready, he’ll be there waiting. He reaches out a hand towards Steve. “C’mere,” he murmurs, and Steve comes, drawn to him like a moth to a flame, it seems.

He grips Bucky’s fingers when he reaches him, carefully looking at his face and not his body under the water.

Bucky tugs on his hand until Steve gets the idea and crouches down and leans in so Bucky can kiss him. He gets Steve’s hair a little wet from running his hands into it. “Stevie,” he murmurs softly.

“Yeah, Buck?” Steve replies softly when he pulls back, hands gently tracing over Bucky’s ears as he gazes at them. He does that sort of thing a lot lately. Finds some insignificant part of Bucky and fixates on it, like he’s memorising every bit of him.

For some reason, it makes Bucky tear up. He tries to blink to clear it away as he turns his gaze away.

“Oh, Buck, what it is?” Steve breathes out, voice full of worry now as he notices.

Bucky shakes his head, feeling choked up. “I…it’s nothing, I just…” He blinks again, and wipes his hand over his eyes, before he can look back at Steve, who’s looking at him with so much worry, it’s heartbreaking. “I just…I guess I just miss you,” Bucky admits. He doesn’t want to lie to Steve, even though he doesn’t want to push him.

Steve frowns, looking a little hurt. “But I’m right here?” He reaches for him and Bucky grabs onto his hand and kisses his fingertips.

“I know. I mean…” Bucky lets out a breath, fingers gently tracing over Steve’s. “I just, I don’t want to push you, but I miss us…being together,” he confesses, feeling horrible for putting this on Steve, this being the opposite of what he wanted to do, but somehow it just bubbled up to the surface finally.

“Oh,” Steve utters, looking flustered suddenly, pulling his hand back. His eyes dart to the water and then back to Bucky’s face. “Oh, I…Jesus…” He suddenly laughs, and it almost sounds like relief.

Bucky scrunches his face up, confused at Steve’s reaction.

Steve smiles wryly, brushes Bucky’s hair back behind his ear and gazes at him. “I didn’t want to push you,” he admits, voice lighter now. “I thought you’d need time to…adjust, I guess? I was trying to not overwhelm you.”

Bucky lets out a breath of amusement and relief himself. Of course he was. It’s the most Steve thing he’s ever heard.

He can’t help himself. He uses the full strength of his metal arm to yank Steve over the edge of the tub, so his face is closer and his shirt gets wet.

“Bucky!” he chokes out a laugh as water splashes everywhere.

Bucky just grabs him and kisses him hard and eventually Steve ends up pulled fully into the tub, water cascading over the edge, flooding the bathroom, but Bucky can’t find it in himself to care one bit. They know lots of super-people who can fix it for them if the floor caves in.

Steve doesn’t seem to care either. He holds himself up over Bucky, panting, clothes soaked, but his eyes are bright like a blue flame. “I love you so much,” he tells Bucky.

Bucky kisses him again, pouring every bit of love and desire he can into it. “You know I love you,” he murmurs back, before starting the difficult task of getting Steve out of his soaked clothes.

“I…Buck…dinner,” Steve pants out in between kisses and fumbling hands.

Bucky lets out a groan. He’d forgotten about that. “Will it keep?”

Steve stares at him, eyes filled with love and want and devotion. “It’ll keep,” he replies softly. “If you let me go turn it off.”

Bucky pulls an over the top sad face. “Okay,” he relents with a long sigh, playing it up, but also really not wanting to let go of Steve for anything. “Get outta these clothes and sort out the food and meet me in the bedroom,” he grins.

Steve beams at him and kisses his nose, while Bucky swats him away with a laugh, watching as Steve clambers out of the tub and struggles out of his wet clothes, flinging them into the shower, left in just wet boxers and ever-present dog tags.

Bucky can’t help how his eyes fixate on the bulge of Steve’s dick under the fabric. When he glances up, Steve is looking at him like he wants to eat him.

“Those are still clothes,” Bucky reminds him, quirking his eyebrow.

“Mable’s down there! I can’t go downstairs naked!” Steve protests with a little frown.

Bucky chuckles and rolls his eyes. “God forbid Mable sees that.”

Steve fake scowls at him. “I’ll be right back,” he promises, and then he’s out the door.

Bucky quickly pulls the plug in the tub, climbing out and grabbing a towel, probably turning his skin a little red with how vigorously he dries himself as he hurries to their bedroom.

He splays himself out on the bed, body practically vibrating with excitement. He’s missed this so much. He can’t lie, he’s a little relieved to find that Steve still wants him this way. If he’s honest with himself, he’d started to worry just the tiniest bit.

He doesn’t have any doubt when Steve enters to room to see him lying there naked.

Steve’s eyes widen, pupils blown black as he takes in the sight, and Bucky can see the lust both on his face and in the way his boxers are tenting. He breathes an internal sigh of relief.

“All okay?” he asks with a little smile, body already tingling with excitement.

Steve nods, looking a bit lost for words, pushing the door closed behind him.

Bucky reaches out a hand to him. “Wanna come join me?” he offers, attempting to sound enticing.

Steve moves wordlessly over to him, clambering onto the bed, perching on his knees to the side of Bucky as Bucky sits up.

“You okay?” Bucky asks, gently touching his knee, because Steve looks a little overwhelmed.

Steve nods and takes a breath, reaching out to cup Bucky’s cheek, Bucky leaning into the touch as a rush of pure happiness goes through him. “I’m okay,” Steve confirms. “I just…I sometimes…sometimes I can’t believe this is real,” he says, voice a little shaky.

Bucky covers Steve’s hand with his own. “It’s real. We’re together,” Bucky says firmly. “But if this is too much or too fast then we don’t have to, we can—”

He gets cut off by Steve basically launching himself at him, hands on his face, body crowding over him, pushing him gently back onto the bed as Steve’s body covers his.

Bucky lets out a surprised moan against Steve’s unrelenting mouth as Steve kisses the living hell out of him.

“I didn’t mean to hold back,” Steve murmurs, as he moves his focus from Bucky’s lips to down his neck, pulling deep groans out of Bucky. “I just…I didn’t know how you felt…”

“I feel really damn good,” Bucky pants out as Steve nibbles a little on his earlobe. He registers the uncomfortable feeling of wet boxers against his skin. “Get those off,” he huffs, and Steve pulls back, quickly peeling them off his body, flinging them onto the floor somewhere. He adds his dog tags to the bedside table where Bucky’s are, before he returns his attention to Bucky’s earlobes. Bucky shivers as Steve’s hard length presses against his own. “God, baby, I’ve missed this.”

“You have no idea, Buck,” Steve breathes out against his neck.

And Bucky really doesn’t. Because while he’s missed this for about two months, Steve has missed it for two months and three _years_.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Bucky murmurs to him, pressing kiss after kiss against any part of Steve he can reach. “I’m here now. I’m here and I’m never going anywhere again,” he promises.

Steve’s shoulders shudder a little under Bucky’s hands and he shoves his face into Bucky’s neck.

Bucky rolls them gently so they’re on their sides so he can see Steve’s face, reaching down to find his hand and tangling their fingers together.

Steve’s not crying, but he looks like he’s on the verge.

Bucky leans in and presses their lips together, wanting to comfort him. “Don’t stop kissing me, Stevie,” he murmurs to him. “Never stop.”

And Steve doesn’t.

They take their time, mapping out every inch of each other’s bodies, relearning each other, every touch somehow the most meaningful touch ever, lips never leaving a part of one another, except when gasps and moans break free.

When they finally make love, it’s intense and unhurried and deep and astounding, and they come within seconds of each other, and Steve cries a little afterwards as Bucky holds him tightly and resolves to do this every day for the rest of their lives, because he can’t believe how much he’s missed this—this intimacy and closeness and feeling like they’re the only two people in the world.

They’re so tangled together, they seem like one person, Bucky thinks when they’ve been lying together, contentedly silent for a little while.

“I wish I had better words,” Steve finally speaks softly, breaking the silence, as his fingers trace a pattern over Bucky’s arm.

“Hmm?” Bucky hums, eyes closed, enjoying the sensations and how warm he is and how damn loved he feels.

“I love you isn’t enough. It doesn’t cover it,” Steve continues, and Bucky smiles to himself. “I don’t think there are words for how I feel about you.”

“I know, Stevie,” Bucky murmurs back, tightening his arms around him. “I know. But we don’t need words. All we need is this,” he smiles, feeling like he’s glowing like a million candles all lit at once.

“All I need is you,” Steve counters. “I don’t think I ever really realised until I lost you,” he continues softly. “Not really. I’ve always loved you, sweetheart, but I just…I never knew just how much I needed you, how awful life is without you in it. When I think about when we met…I was so lost, I had no idea what my life was except fighting. And then you…you changed everything for me and nothing was ever the same.”

Bucky strokes over Steve’s arms with his fingers soothingly. “You changed everything for me too.” Bucky thinks back to what he was like before they met. He’d been hiding from the world, not really living in it. And sure, he had the excuse of his arm, but it was more than that. After the army, he didn’t know who he was anymore or what he was supposed to be. Steve brought him back to life again. And then he did it again, only literally. Bucky lets out a little amused huff at his own thoughts.

Steve lifts his head a little so he can see Bucky’s face. “What’s funny?” he asks softly.

“Everything,” Bucky admits, looking into Steve’s bright blue eyes. “Life,” he shrugs a little. “Kiss me,” he murmurs.

Steve leans in and does just that, hands sliding down, making Bucky shiver until a loud bark interrupts them and they both jump a little.

Steve breaks into a chuckle. “I think Mable’s feeling left out.” She’s right outside the door, letting out a sad little whine, clearly in response to hearing Steve say her name.

Bucky grins back at him. “Well we can’t have that.” He unlocks his arms from around Steve, giving him a nudge as he’s closest to the door.

Steve grumbles a little as he rolls out of bed, opening the door for Mable, before getting straight back in under the covers with Bucky.

Mable dashes in and looks at them both and then does a calculated little jump to get up onto the bed with them, shuffling up to settle directly between them.

Steve shakes his head at her, with a little exasperated sigh. “Sorry, Mable, that’s not gonna work for me,” he tells her.

Bucky chuckles at him and runs his hand down Mable’s one front leg. He remembers the moment he saw her, he knew he had to take her home. They had matching missing pieces after all. He’s so thankful Steve found her. He loves to see how Steve is with her, how much he dotes on her. It makes Bucky happy just watching them. And of course it’s hilarious when Steve pouts when Mable gets more attention from Bucky than he does. Sort of like he is right now.

Steve pats the bed next to his other side and Mable looks a little put out, but she’s great at following instructions so she rolls over to flop onto the other side of Steve. Steve beams at her, then he wraps his arms around Bucky again, tugging him back to his side. “Good girl, Mable.”

Bucky lets out a little chuckle and snuggles his head into Steve’s shoulder, linking a leg round Steve’s, completely content, surrounded by the love of his little family, keeping him safe and warm. He thinks maybe someday they’ll add to their little group, imagining how incredible Steve would look with their child in his arms. They’re not ready for that yet, he knows. But maybe someday, when everything’s settled down.

Because some things are still hard. They still have things to work through themselves, and together. But Bucky knows they will. And through it all, they’ll have each other.

Everything is different now.

But some things will never change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this. I knew from the start of writing that it wouldn't be my most popular thing due to all the sadness, so thank you so much to those who gave it a chance and massive thanks to those who commented and made my day every time 😍 
> 
> I hope you liked the end! Let me know in the comments? 💜
> 
> This ends the Maybe series. I've really loved this one, I hope you did too. 
> 
> See you next fic! x


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